Blah Blah Blah

I'll never tire of toupees

2008-07-04T19:03:00.002-04:00

I keep seeing really weird-crazy shit. Crazy as in people doing silly things to prove a point in a way that's not really necessary.

Toupees are always absolutely awesome to look at. Especially when the remaining hair on specific head does not match the foreign hair on head. Also especially as much when you just know the follicles are not coming out of pores, but weirdly attached to a sheath which gives off that tingly feeling of 'something isn't quite working here'.
And each and every time you see it, there's an assessment- where's the real hair? Does it work on top of the head- does it look like it's actually sprouting from the head? What about the colour matching, is there any connection?
It's just an enigma of why?

Within the same hour of seeing this toupee and saying "I'll never tire of toupees" I saw a girl carrying a mouse in a box. It's great that there is this whole sub culture of women who love carrying dogs in handbags, today I even saw a dog in a special dog stroller and it's fantastic that teenagers can get in on the act with mice. It's like little kids have mini handbags and fake lipstick. Dolls as babies. Now mice carry-alls are part of the scene.
But what was she trying to prove? That she's a 14 year old who's prepping herself for the dog in the handbag market? She was with her mates and her mouse. Was she aiming for strength in number?

I used to know a Rabbi who wore a toupee. We joked that he never really had to wear a kippah. But we also wondered why he cared so much? Why did he do it? We could see at the back there was a disconnect between the salt and pepper of the toupe and the salt and pepper of his hair. We couldn't see a scalp but he did do a good matching of making it look liked it sprouted out of his head. But every time I saw the Rabbi, I never got tired. I loved seeing if he had gotten newer ones to match his progressively graying real hair.

I'll never tire of any other toupee I see. The ridonculessness of what they're trying to prove is of mythical proportions and the amazement of seeing them think they can pull it off is fantastically laughable.

Youth Day laws: Thou shalt not annoy or trespass

2008-07-01T09:17:00.002-04:00

SMH: EXTRAORDINARY new powers will allow police to arrest and fine people for "causing annoyance" to World Youth Day participants and permit partial strip searches at hundreds of Sydney sites, beginning today.
The laws, which operate until the end of July, have the potential to make a crime of wearing a T-shirt with a message on it, undertaking a Chaser-style stunt, handing out condoms at protests, riding a skateboard or even playing music, critics say.

You have to love Australian common sense
Who doesn't love to laugh at a Catholic?! Well, I know Christians are even funnier. But I love how the country knows this and wants to protect them. So very cute.

Security of whoever these fucks are, just know people are going to go round the city and terrorise these little Catholics. And if the security officers aren't anal retentives, they are going to try their very best not to laugh.

I just hope there is none on that tazering bullshit that you see in the U.S. If people let a little crazy over a graphic on a t-shirt, that would be a good time to take a step back and reassess.

"Say What?"

2008-06-20T13:22:00.002-04:00

I am finding that people will say the weirdest things, not even caring if you hear or not.

I have recently come into direct, including eye contact, with:

An amusing opening for cash

"Don't be scared of me, I'm just a crack addict"

Walking to get some sliced mango on an extremely Changi-like night:

"So, do you think she's hotter than I am"

Said by girl to her 2 male friends. On my return I asked what the verdict was.

I love it when the homeless people add their 2 cents. This has been my favourite:

"Damn. Look at those legs. Those are some great long legs"

I had to turn away as I burst into hysterics

Random guy on a walking stick

"Have a lovely day, you hear me? Have a lovely day. Thanks for making mine"

This has probably got to do with the excellent hair days I have been having. Pair that with big black sunglasses and it's a can't lose combination.

Yes. If I wanted your help, I would have asked for it.

2008-06-11T23:58:00.002-04:00

Why do people in this city do this?
Why do they seek the need to really and truly stick their nose in something, when really, no one asked, no one was wanting and to top it off- you've come in at a point, missed the story and again: no need.

Some incidences have occurred:

On the weekend, it was ridiculously hot. Wore the bikini/dress combo because it was seriously Changi Prisoner of War Camp HOT. So hot, that I even tucked my dress a little into my kini bottoms to make it a little shorter and hopefully cooler. Some nut makes every effort to get some other nut to tap me on the shoulder and get my attention. Bless her. She wanted to tell me my dress was tucked in my undies. "Lady", I say, "do you know how fucking hot it is?? This is deliberate."
Take 2: I went to see the Biennial at the Whitney. The shenanigans that day were very fun. Contemporary art is fucking boring unless you interact. I interacted to the point of reaching hyperactivity and hysteria. One piece was a book glued to the floor. The security on duty, was ON it. Really. I say to my friend " 'oly Shit. Someone has left a book on the floor and no one, like NO ONE, is picking it up. Disgusting."
A dyke, from a pair of dykes, turns to me and says "Ummm, it's part of the exhibition". I do my non-sensical, are you 'fucked in the head', 'you're a butchy dyke aren't you?' look, wait a little and then go "....ohhh. Ok". Then do the eye moves and ask the guard if I could open it. He says to me, if I want to read it that I should go to the library and borrow it. Spunky, but annoying. Then he wanted to talk about Australia. Weird. Usually people think it's British. He was all round, impressive.
Gone to Macy's. NEVER go to Macy's. It's an awful place. I commented to my partner in crime that day, that Starbucks is the largest public toilet network in the world and that we just passed one of two in Macy's. She comments that Starbucks is visual abuse and where is there not a Starbucks? Some lady walking past shares with us that the Starbucks is right over in the corner behind us. WTF? I don't want to know. Did anyone ask you?

Interesting no? People like to go out of their way for useless information. For something you need....forget it.

Other highlights this week: Got totally drenched in a torrential storm after Death Cab for Cutie concert. Sweet. I say, better to get all wet than be half assed. It paid off. I even lost a thong (as in the shoe) running away from the eye of the storm...heavy duty.

Fucked up flat mates and such

2008-06-03T17:36:00.005-04:00

When I first got to NY, I was pretty lucky. Awe-SOME flatmates, even if one thought her British accent was Australian and used the crackberry a little too much.

And after I decided that the UWS wasn't for me and began the search downtown, things started to get a little hazy. Potentials included....

A witch. Really. With feathers and candles and crap everywhere.
People listed "semi private alcoves" and Being John Malcovich style living
One sent me a fucking great email, I still have it:
"I share a one bedroom with a friend. Rule is no sex in the apartment, well that was until I came home and found my roomie with my boyfriend, in bed together..."

And i've heard some fucking crazy stories from friends and their flatmates' habits

Doesn't clean out kitty litter and concurrently does not open any windows
Never leaves their room
Doesn't talk
Requests no interaction over the weekend

And it's not like anyone gives a shit. It's all about making your own rules and how it works for you even if it impacts another person in their own small living space. It is bizarre. No external consideration or respect.
I thought my own flatmate was having trouble with the 'adjustment period' in to our apartment. But now I know there is no understanding about how to live in a shared household. I don't care if she reads it, she is going to get it.
She:

uses a roll of toilet paper A DAY! I work from home and use about 12 squares a day. I did a test the other week with 3 ppl. It took us 3 days to get through it! I don't know what the fuck she is doing with that thing. Was there some memo I missed? It must have been on the same memo as why girls spend so long in the toilet because I didn't get that one either!
Leaves crap in the sink, dishes all over the house, never wipes down the benchtops and just shit everywhere. Who the fuck does she think makes it disappear? Her mother doesn't come over and do it for her.
Lights on! Hey, we're in massive global warming and it's just a waste financially and again resourcefully!
Hair residual in the shower catchment thing. Fucking gross
And then there was one time she used my toothpaste. It would be completely ok if she asked, but she made sure she put it back in the same position that I had, but I knew, just knew she was using it through my own clever analysis.
Moving on.
During the using toothpaste period, she was ranting at how she knew her last flatmate was going into her room and taking/using stuff like her underwear (well, she wins on that one, that is insane). I decided to invent a story for her which basically implied don't use my toothpaste without asking: "Hey, it's ok if you're using my toothpaste, but I just want you to know that my dentist told me I should have my own toothpaste because I have this contagious bacterial condition on my gums"...I never got to do it, because finally she got her own. It would have been awesome.

The list is pretty extensive. I've been trying to have a family meeting for weeks but we're never home together. She is a little feisty so I expect some biting back. Watch this space for the outcome.

Sex and the City is a real New York girl's nightmare

2008-05-27T11:20:00.005-04:00

Walking through the streets of New York, you're spurred on by the surging waves of people and that there power in your step. You can feel that there is so much up for offer, so much mystery around the next corner and so much money dropped at the drop of a hat. The hungriest seize the winnings, the greedy do anything to grab the cash and the optimists lick life off their sticky fingers.
It is a city of everything and surprisingly a city which has been further defined by a TV show. A show which seems to validate ridiculous behaviours and attitudes.

A definition.
Sex and the City women aren't really like our famous 4 protagonists. No one here really dresses that well and real SATC women are older, dress in short skirts and low cut tops. They often frequent bars and clubs, when really, they shouldn't be because the people in the bars are much younger than they are. They believe they are power women, when really they should just have more taste.
Some people call them bag ladies because they always have designer label bags. I like that, but they are so moronic that SATC fits them better.

But, there is a new kettle of fish too. They are even more prominent than SATC wenches. MySpace Skanks and 'hos are very young girls with impeccable bodies but who reveal too much skin. They talk in that annoying way "So yeeahh, I was like, so totally into it", they are fucking brainless and update their mySpace pages every 4 minutes. They're eye candy to the point of disbelief, but tacky.

Almost polar opposites but equally as ridiculous as the other. The city seems to run rampant with these 2 species and then the rest of us sandwiched in the middle, try to avoid them at all costs.
The worst part is that the 2 kinds are promiscuous. Very promiscuous and give all women a bad name. I also find that these 2 have extrapolated story lines from a tv show and manufactured them into a way of life. These women have infected men to almost legitimise their whacked habits.
I'm not buying it. And I often find myself lamenting at the horror that my own life could become a sex and the city cliche. It's fucking awful.
I could bitch and moan about the stories, but that would be lame. Exposing the horror of disaster after disaster. I'm not going there.
Instead I think I'll manufacture some tshirts.

Wankers, harrys and losers

2008-05-22T11:56:00.003-04:00

As far as I can see, there is nothing much going on today....except a prolific amount of wankers opening their mouths when they shouldn't.

You know those dicks who say "I don't watch TV" or even "I don't own a TV"? When clearly there are some excellent shows on the air these days that are worth watching. Shows that actually entertain and enrich your life in some way. AND clearly these people have to watch some TV at some time or another. I just don't buy it. Even if you don't watch TV as such - at the specified time on the specified channel, you're going to download it or buy the pirate in Thailand or something.

Well someone just took it to the next level:
"I'm trying out that new lifestyle where I don't read magazines or newspapers. EVERYTHING is online!"
Sorry but that is just so gay (not gay as in homosexual, but gay as in lame!). The words "i'm trying out that new lifestyle" seriously irk me. What fucking lifestyle? And there is some implication that some authority dictated this new way of life. Please, it's not a way of life it's a preference.
It reminds me of the time someone said "Are you going to that conference that EVERYONE has been talking about?"
Everyone? Who the fuck is everyone? And why do I care about some boring conference where people postulate and gesticulate over total bullshit? I'd rather talk to the homeless midget on the corner. He probably has something more interesting to say than a bunch of wankers who don't watch TV, read newspapers and certainly don't touch a magazine!

Fuck my blog is good

2008-05-18T16:11:00.004-04:00

Reading over some past entries has been entertaining. A shame I've let it wane. I could be oblivious to it being shit, but the fact it's my life log makes me think it's good.
Whatever... I'm bringing it back with a vengeance!
Be prepared to watch this space...

In the meantime: An introduction to Ivy Brown.
This little lady is the shit!
I met her at her gallery in Meat Packing.
She is friends with Banksy. She knew Leigh Bowery.
She is a fucking power house of great story and adventure and makes a great ice tea too.
I will definitely be interacting with Ms Brown again and she even said she could hook me up with Banksy!
Sweet.

Back in the US of pie

2008-04-13T20:18:00.002-04:00

I'm back.
Sydney was glorious.
Had horrendous jetlag. I totally fucked up my non jet lag strategy and got lumped with a week of no sleep. This is what happens when you get 4 seats to yourself. You spread yourself out. You lay down. You make the most of it.
So, the time I was meant to be awake, the last leg of trip, I was fast asleep. When I got back to New York in the afternoon, I screwed up the sleeping pattern for the rest of the week because I'd basically slept for 18 hours and was still on AU time.

Had a couple of other interesting experiences

The security guy in Australia was fantastic. I had some contraband in my hand luggage- a jar of some chilli paste and he let me take it through. He hid it under my jumper, cleared my bag and told me not to let anyone see because there were cameras and he would get in massive trouble. So awesome a security guy. I'm his biggest fan
Why did no one tell me you don't have to take your shoes off at security any more? I felt like such a 'tard.
I flirted and smiled with every security/airport person on the way through except one fucker in L.A. I was basically in transit and there's one guy checking 300 passports and tickets. It's irritating and inefficient. All these disabled people cut in front of me and I'm not impressed. I'm tired and just want to put my shizz down. When it's my turn, I don't even look at the guy, I just wait and he asks for another form of I.D. because my photo isn't clear enough. WHAT?! I've had my passport for 8 years, been around the world, and all of a sudden it isn't good enough for you! It just shows that flirting works.

In the end, I made it and thanks again Qantas for ripping my bags. We're going to have another 6 month saga, so bring it on!

3 countries in a week, a visa and a potential arrest warrant

2008-01-28T15:26:00.000-05:00

Things have been pretty whirlwind lately.
I had to fix my visa situation. This was partly due to the fact that people cannot understand my accent and confused A3 (a diplomatic visa, as much as I feel I deserve one, it is not for me) and an E3 (the Australian national visa).
I don't know how many times I have to see "E for egg" until it finally sinks through.
A colleague informed if you are saying "A for ayg" it really won't make an impact.

Canada
So, I went off to freezing Halifax, Nova Scotia, to sort it out. I flew on the tiniest little plane. And Canada was awesome, all the lakes were ice. There was so much snow and it was so quiet.
My E3 was sorted in 2 days. A good deal in comparison to the 15 weeks that the American government promised me. Thanks USCIS but you can keep your 15 weeks.

awesome old cemetery with lots of snow

me freezing my tits off at pretty much the only scenic place in Halifax, the Citadel

a frozen flag. Cold.

Back in the US (S of A)
It was nice to back with some validity. Although it was around now that I found out you can get shot for anything against the patriot act. This country is so screwed up. Any one in any position of authority would rather taze or use a weapon on someone instead of hearing someone out. Good to know it's violence first, talk later.

Puebla, Mexico
Ooh, this little city is pretty cool. And the hotel was awesome, except for the shits who decided to have a party in the bar above my room until 2.30am when I had to get up at 5.30 for the plane.
Things were pretty busy workwise, but we did manage to go to this cute little bar, the Reforma, where these old men were having a jamming session on their harmonicas. It was one of the best bar experiences I have ever had.

My only bad experience, was coming back through customs. Those asswipes think a civilian asking questions are grounds for an arrest! Idiots. I'd like to know when I have an hour to make my flight, why you seek the need to make my life a living hell.
I don't even care if you track me after this post. It's not like I have any intentions other than making my time in customs as fast as it can be. I've already filled out the comment card and you aren't getting a good review!
At least you'll never be able to take away from me the fantastic Puebla experience.

the lobby of La Purificadora

Reforma. Best bar ever

The volcano. I'd love to drop some customs people in the middle of this!

In case you wanted to know how Jews view Christmas

2007-12-18T11:55:00.000-05:00

Except I don't know what this crap is about Chinese food.

The simple reason for my existence.

2007-12-06T13:11:00.001-05:00

Why does this get funnier the more I watch it??
I don't think I'll ever tire from this baby.
How do I make it my ringtone?

Family Guy - What Really Grinds My Gears

I think it's the way he says "Ffffuck you!" and points at the viewing audience, because he is talking directly to them.
This is probably combined with my issues with the general american population at their inability and lack of sensitivity to so many things.

I crack up EVERY time....oh there it goes, I just did again.

Freak

2007-12-05T14:38:00.000-05:00

There is a girl at my office who will not step on the cracks or old bits of petrified chewing gum.
The first time I saw it I asked her if she was trying to miss the cracks and she asked me how I knew?
Well, I knew because she looked like an absolute idiot analysing the floor underneath her feet.
Ever since then, when I see her, I tease her about it. It really isn't normal and I tease her because why not?!
I don't even know her name, she is just crazy cracked cracks girl.

One day she told me it wasn't just the cracks, she almost had this air of validity like this was even more justified. It was also the chewing gum stains on the floor.
Mental case.

I just saw her walk past my office, glance down and place her feet carefully in designated approved areas. I still can't believe the insanity.

Hey you, bitch! You mother fucker!

2007-12-04T00:01:00.000-05:00

One weekend, I had a great weekend.
I lost or misplaced my debit card. I have no idea what. I cancelled it straight away. All I had was $30 to get me from Saturday night to Monday morning. I'd write a cheque at the bank on Monday and redeem some cash.

So the saturday night started with me hopping into a cab and paying about a $10 fare. I decided to jump out a bit early. Traffic in NY is a bit of a bitch. I walked maybe 4 blocks.
Getting out of the taxi, my door hit the cab next to me. No scratch, nothing, so I shut the door and left.

2 seconds later this Indian cabbie is screaming at me in his indian accent:
"Hey you! You broke my thing, get back here!"
I just told him nothing was wrong and kept on walking.
"hey bitch, come back here."

Then 5 seconds later, I feel a car sidling up next to me:
"Hey you, you mother fucker. You broke my taxi. Bitch, Stop. Stop!"
I just kept walking. Didn't look, didn't flinch.
He kept going "Hey you bitch, stop. Damn mother fucker, you are a mother fucker!"
I just looked at him with death stare. I couldn't believe he would go nuts over such a non event. I guess it's the New York mentality. You have to protect and ensure the integrity of everything under your control.

After this incident, I was walking down the street, happily thinking I didn't get killed and some doof behind me kicks off my shoe right into the street.
I turned around, said nothing and gave him death stare.
He ran to the street got my shoe and tried to put it back on my foot. That was a little too much. I grabbed my shoe and kept walking.

The other events from that night are pretty uneventful. Some annoying guy was annoying me so since he had given me his iPhone to look at, I emailed his mother saying:
"Mom, I think I'm gay"
The "I think" really gives it the power here. Think about it.

I left wherever I was. Tried to get a cab. Impossible.
Some randoms in a taxi pull up to me and ask if I need a lift. I say I'm only going up 20 blocks, same street and everything. I told them I'd get in if they promised not to rape me. They did and I got home safe and still had $20 to my name.

The next morning at breakfast, I don't know if I was fortunate enough to go through this ordeal. But there was a pube like hair in my eggs so I ended up with a free breakfast.
By sunday night, with $20 still intact, I blew my cash on a bunch of coffees for everyone who had helped me out over the weekend.
Then I went home to nap, content at my busy weekend.

Back from reality

2007-12-03T09:16:00.000-05:00

I've taken a break from this virtual world for a bit. NYC is a little bit crazy, time kind of escapes you.
I do have all these blog entries floating around my head involving:

The time a taxi driver called me a mother fucker
The time some doof kicked my shoe off on to the street
The time I lost my debit card and my last $20 lasted me a whole weekend because I kept on getting stuff for free (the above three were all in one weekend)
Photos of my apartment and where I live
The time I helped Mischa Barton and her dog

But, I am amazed at my blog hits. Simply because I have mentioned various pop culture topics such as

420 friendly
How to dress like a slut on halloween
The famous lindsay lohan crotch picture
and apparently the search term "women doing shit"

My stats have skyrocketed. I have to do more of this pop culture referencing!

All those other posts, I'll make it my mission to accomplish this week.

My obsession with the freaky is not over

2007-11-06T09:38:00.000-05:00

Holy Vishnu!

Look at this kid:

I think this is the most unbelievable genetic mutation I have EVER seen. And I've seen a few.
Beats the shit out of the 3 armed kid.

But the poor girl, she probably can't do much. And it's sad that they say in the article she wouldn't live past her teens if she kept all the limbs.

It turns out all the limbs belong to a parasitic twin with no head!

They are attached at the pelvis, in a mirror image of each other. The other twin has no head.
Freak-y!
Not only that, the girl was born on the celebration day of the four-armed Hindu goddess!
What are the odds?

But there is a nice resemblance:

Article

Halloween: How to dress like a slut

2007-10-29T09:30:00.001-04:00

So I had my first American Halloween.
The fuckers absolutely love it.

It was a lot of fun- you get on the subway, walk down the street and everyone, and I mean everyone, is dressed up. We saw this giant penis on the street. He was just standing there like giant penises are an every day occurrence.

I did my old "rock bitch" outfit. Was a little bit of a cop out, but you know...I participated in the regulatory dress like a slut it's Halloween rule.

I love how you know something is true, and then a movie like Mean Girls comes along and just brings it out in the open:

Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.

Thank you Lindsay.

So, seriously, every costume that they sell in those shitty sex shops in Sydney (hey, who hasn't been in one), they sell as Halloween costumes in New York.

I also bumped into one Sara Ramirez, also known as Dr Torres in Grey's Anatomy. Someone said to me that a Grey's person was behind me, I turn around and actually goggled. She saw me do it. I then tapped her and apologised for looking at her like an object. She is after all a person and I am quite disturbed by the obsession with celebrity in this country.
Well, she really appreciated that. She was nice. And no I didn't get a photo. How could I after that exchange??
But here- pretend with this.

Feeling good about being aussie

2007-10-26T15:57:00.000-04:00

You know, a few years ago, Australians had massive overseas envy. We just always seemed to feel second, even third best, at everything we attempted.
We just couldn't seem to achieve the same sort of professionalism that other countries seemed to possess.

Well now, I've worked out what it is.

Those other countries just had a confidence associated with their existing culture. Italy, France, America, England, Germans, Swiss - all of these countries have their own stereotypical qualities that their citizens exude.
When you have the national costume for each of these countries at the Miss Universe pageant, you know what each of these countries is going to where. What would Miss Australia inevitably wear?? A hat with corks on it?? Not really national attire.

Australia was never really sure of what they were as a culture. We only recently grew into the idea that our laid back, mateship, fun in the sun approach is actually a culture that we're proud of.

We don't need pretense, we don't need theatrics. We aren't jealous of anyone because we're happy with what we've got. All that envy has slipped away and it hasn't been a conscious evolution of thought, we just sort of stopped giving a shit. Which pretty much sums up the culture as well.

420 friendly?

2007-10-17T17:16:00.000-04:00

Who would have thunk it?

Nearly every profile on Craig's list has the phrase "420 friendly". I'm confused.

So I asked one of the people I went to see what it meant:
"It means people smoke pot. Chapter 4, verse 20 of Genesis says 'And God made all the sweet smelling plants and herbs' "

So I took that and went with it.

Later I checked out Wikipedia. That wasn't it at all! It is definitely pot related.
A great way of coming up with slang. I'm quite jealous and then quite impressed that it went Nation wide.
Good one.

And Genesis, chapter 4, verse 20:
"And Ada brought forth Jabel: who was the father of such as dwell in tents, and of herdsmen."

The guy who told me the biblical thing is a douche.

The beauty of the Craig's List

2007-10-11T16:26:00.000-04:00

I've been looking to move downtown.
I now have 2.5 weeks to find something. Great.

Trying to find an apartment in New York is so difficult.
The bastard agents are bigger bastards here and charge to find you an apartment. So the landlord gets shafted a fee and so does the agent.

Craig's List is an adventure in itself.
You have to find someone normal, you have to find a room that doesn't say "And please note you cannot stand up full height in this room as it is only 1.4m tall".
It's tough.

Some guy keeps posting this: $100 Superb offer if you are an open minded and adventurous woman and keeps getting taken down.

After seeing numerous, crazy dominatrix, or whatever random requests:

Free rent in exchange for cooking/cleaning
1bdr for $200 and you have to sleep in my bed
Looking for a woman
I'm desperate
Need a live in lover- someone who will pimp themselves because apartments in the city are fucking hard to find and people are desperate enough to offer themselves to me.

I decided to take a leap and write to one.
He wrote how he had a $700 room in a 2bdr and you wouldn't have to pay anything if you occasionally got naked.
I wrote to him and said "How about $350 for a bikini", he then wanted to see my picture.
I can't believe these people actually publish this shit for all to see.
Unreal.

You smarmy gits

2007-10-08T16:40:00.000-04:00

The social security number debacle continues.

The office copied my passport, visa and license information and recorded my D.O.B. as 1959.
Good one guys. Thanks. Thanks a million.

Friends tell me it's good news. I can get seniors benefits earlier.

So now all my shizz needs to be sent back to homeland security for another double check. I don't care if you scan this once I post it. I don't care if you put me under review. This isn't any fun and I'm not liking it.

Wouldn't it just be logical to think it was a typo?? You have copies of all the information. Every record has the right year. Just your new entry is wrong........

Whatever. Take your time. I'll bide mine.

Where in the hell is my goddam Social security number

2007-10-02T09:14:00.001-04:00

So, I've been here for what, 4 weeks.
I still no have no Social security number. I went on the first day to get it. That was September 6th.

At the SSN office, where I couldn't eat and began munching on a dried apricot and got into trouble from security, they told me I could call back in a few days and they would be able to give me the number so that I could do stuff.

Stuff like- open a bank account, fill in my timesheets at work because I need my SSN to do it, cash cheques, ummmm get a proper phone, eat, actually live my life.

I keep calling up, I keep getting different responses. I just want a number. I just want to conform. Why won't they just let me????????

OCD in NYC

2007-09-26T09:21:00.000-04:00

Jessuus!
I can't walk around this city without constantly wanting to wash my hands!
It feels so dirty, there are so many people on the subway, the air is so thick on that thing you could slice it with a knife.
I wanted to buy one of those hand sanitiser things, but in true media fashion, it fell into my lap as a present in a media kit. Score!

I still feel OCD. Just as much as I got here. I wash my hands every time I enter a building from the outside...even when I'm in a taxi I think it's gross. How many people have been in that stinking thing before me?! Not to mention the stinky cab driver...

Then there are those people who when using a public toilet need to get toilet paper to shut the door. But they cant use the first exposed pieces of toilet paper, because, well, someone else has touched it. So they discard that (which they somehow touch), then use the next pieces to shut the door latch. Then they get more to actually flush the toilet and then again to open the door.
I thought that was the end of the line when some woman came out of the cubicle, took more paper from the towel dispenser to turn the tap on and THEN wash her hands. Ingenious! Then she took from the wad of paper, a sheet to open the door.
This woman could then perform an appendectomy she was that hygienic!

The first time I didn't feel like I had to wash my hands immediately, was in the suburbs of Jersey. There's a place that's true America- dens, basements (now I know where that guy went to get Homer the 1000 uses for wax lips), pantries and storage full of jumbo sized everything.
A little bit scary, a very consumption driven nation. There is no way in hell this country is going to cut down the amount they consume any time soon. I'm sure every family lives in that way and Al Gore has a shitload to do.
In the meantime, I'll continue to wash my hands!

What the fuck is wrong with this country?

2007-09-20T11:56:00.000-04:00

So this thing is massive right now. I hear it's massive everywhere.
Bigger than big.

Kind of reminds me of the Chasers. Even though the got arrested for something similar, it wasn't like the Police and security weren't at fault as well!
This Today Tonight story is a bit of a beat up, but it still tells of the brilliance

I actually felt like crying after watching this taser thing. Who knew 'tase' was even a verb! Certainly gets picked up by spellcheck!

Although it kind of reminds me of the whole Chaser thing. Same deal. Not really doing anything, just causing a stir and a bit of awareness. The only people who get affected are the ones with the power and they are the ones reacting to protect the pedestals they stand on.

This isn't bad either. Just a sum up of the ridiculousness of APEC

Still a freak out. The Taser guy was harassed and assaulted for free speech. Chaser guys got through checkpoints they shouldn't have.

So what's wrong with America?

2007-09-12T13:34:00.001-04:00

I don't know what's been wrong with me for the past few months. I'm still funny in person, but on my Blog, it just isn't shaking. Lame.

I'm going to try my hardest to pick it up. I've been doing some observing, watching how people interact and I'm getting on board to go to some crazy things like the World Series etc etc.

So I've been here a week now, I'm pretty settled. I've had some run ins with some major Jewish princesses, I'll blog those another day...

My first main observation
So what's wrong with this country?
Everyone is obsessed with celebrity. And even if people were to shake it, like Jude Law wants, there is no way it will happen. It's like a drug. The common public feeds off the 'real' lives of these glamourous celebrities.
Celebrities' lives are a fantasy- so much money, attractive people, good food, parties fun- yet at the same time it's all reality.
Their lives are almost as entertaining as the movies they appear in. But it's real!

The whole thing is like a dog eating it's tail. I'm wise enough to know most of the realities these celebrities generate are fakes, but it's just too hard to keep up with all my friends' shit, let alone the celebs. Thinking about the whole reverse cycle fantasy-reality wheel just makes me dizzy.

To add further insult, movies ads are everywhere and they completely saturate every feasible ad space. I can't walk out of the house or be in my house without seeing some ad for a movie, tv show or some other generic, mind numbing form of entertainment.

People's lives just revolve around the basic need to forget everything about it!

It only happens to Wisey...

2007-09-06T22:36:00.000-04:00

With things falling so nicely into place, it's no wonder a whole heap of shit had to happen once I got into New York.

Jews who go over the line
Instance 1: Recently I encountered a taxi driver who decided to take a shot and ask me if I was Jewish. I took a moment to ponder whether to be honest or not. I was. He responded how he thought so. Good work bub.
My curly brown hair, brown eyes and my necklace in hebrew isn't a total giveaway.
He was about to ask me "do you want to..." something, but he saw the fuck off look in my face and stopped.

Instance 2: At the airport, I check in and because of all the stamps in my passport from Israel, the customs officer decides to wish me a shana tova.
Somehow I felt like it was an invasion of my identity. In both instances. I think it was the smug look on their faces once they had deduced something that isn't even a secret.
Using the jew-bond is useful, but sometimes inappropriate use just makes me feel dirty and violated. There has to be particular cases where it just doesn't work and certainly a finesse to bring it into a conversation, and I don't think either of these two did that.

A tear and a half
My 2 suitcases were ripped beyond use in transit.
Watch this space for ensuing insurance claims.

Strike
Taxi strike in New York. Had to wait 40 minutes for a taxi

and then...
I finally get a cab, with my 3 suitcases, and the fucker decides to rear end another car.
I waited another half an hour for another taxi and I was on my home straight.

Other than that It's been all good.
Today I had fun in a social security office. You can't even eat in there. I was eating a dried apricot and got told to stop!
It's just full of people. I only had to wait an hour, but other people were there for hours.
Let's hope I get a cool number.

Back to basics- some random thinkings

2007-08-06T18:25:00.000-04:00

So I was in a meeting the other day. One of the early morning kind. One of the stingy kind where they don't even supply breakfast.
We were talking in the meeting about the usual buzz words, playing WIP bingo and then someone comes out with the doozie "As we all know: Content is King"

Content is king??!
I just don't get it. Where did this nonsensical phrase came from?
It kind of reminds me of the time I heard "It will be seamless integration with heavy branding"...

wtf...???!

Why isn't it "Content is the bomb" : or "content gets my rocks off", the king reference just doesn't do anything for me.
I think I'm going to start collecting dollars for every time I hear the phrase "Content is King" for the advertising/media year of 2007.
I have a little pig money collection jar. I should fill it easy.

Next
I've encountered this for a while, but never blogged it.
When I go out for breakfast, and order toast, what right does the cook/chef/bitch have to butter my toast??
Personally I don't like the butter to melt into the toast. I hate that. I like the butter to just rest on the top. That requires that the toast must cool down a little before application.
It actually pisses me off.
A lot.
It is such a personal activity, I don't know why cafes continue to be so ballsy with this. However, next time I will remember and will not allow them to butter my toast... OR...dump the eggs on top of the toast so that the toast resembles a mooshy lump completely removed from the whole idea of toast. Who comes up with this shit?

BED
(Blog Erat Demonstrandum)

(great name for a blog, if anyone takes this, I shoot them!)

Bureaucracy is hypocrisy

2007-07-23T00:18:00.000-04:00

Yay - I went and got my Harry Potter. I can finally end this spell that the book has put on me. It's not too sophisticated, but they are pretty exciting stories.

None of my goy friends could go and pick up my pre paid copy, and I'm kind of glad I didn't make them, because the service post-sabbath was atrocious.

I raced up to Borders at 6pm. It was still a little busy. I went up to the special Harry potter pre ordered desk. They crossed off my name and then pointed me to a register.

I waited and waited.

I even waited a bit more.

I was expecting it just to be a pick up, walk out type thing.

When I finally get to the counter, the guy is dicking around. He asks me for my name, I'm a little confused, I just gave me name.
I ask him why he wants it- he says he needs to cross check.
It still isn't making sense to me, so I wrote down "Bugs Bunny" and walked out with my book and token Hedwig doll.

now for the spoiler..... (warning)

I got this damn Hedwig doll. And Hedwig freaking dies on page 30!!
How ironic.
All those poor kids out there. I feel for them.
But there is no way Borders would have known. Poor chaps.

NY Part II and sorry for the lack of posting lately

2007-07-18T18:49:00.000-04:00

Well, I've been busy. Very busy.
Work has been a bit of a whirlwind, but I'm into it. It's good. The dog, Millie, she is good. She sleeps next to my desk.

So what's been happening....?

The watching of the Zodiac
I'm a bit of a Jake fan. I love Jakey. He is so cute. So I wanted to see that movie "The Zodiac".
So in NY I got one pirate DVD and that was it.
So a few weeks after I got home from NY I watched it with some friends. We're watching and who is in it? Dr Karev! from Grey's. I was all surprised- if I knew he was in it I thought they would have advertised that a bit more. But whatever...
I keep watching, thinking where is Jakey? Maybe he is the kid that grows up to solve the mysteries. I'm still thinking this an hour and a half into the film, which feels like it's going an awful long time for Jake to be the main character and still have a good showing. And then the movie ends!

Turns out that those crafty buggers but the film The Zodiac in my Zodiac! Same story, same idea, just one's a made for TV and the other is a massif blockbuster.
It looks like the Zodiac took another victim, and it was me...

A free bottle of wine
I went to trivia the other night. Instead of naming our team some random name, they had a contest for who can make the best name for the product or tagline from this:
A product is launching whereby in your lunch break you can go and get a complete boob job and then go back to work.
I don't know what the real name is, but apparently it will be ready to lift by next year.
There were lots of different names- The D Cups, Ladies who lunch, Lunch cancelled: Tits Up and many others.
But mine, the winner was:
"Forget those sangers, Fix those saggers"

Great piece of work. Everyone laughed when they heard it which made us win.
Free wine. And we bombed out at trivia.

Facebook phenom
Oh, this thing called Facebook is getting a bit crazy. I have a few people in facebook purgatory that I don't know what to do with. Do I reject them, accept them or limit profile them?? I just have too many friends on that thing now, I don't know how I can reasonably stay in touch with all of them. And there are just tonnes of people who I don't want to know my shizz.
Even Malcolm Turnbull requested friendship. I turned him down. I spoke to him on the ferry once, he wasn't very friendly back. I wrote him a message on facebook saying that was why I didn't want to be his friend. Now he cares and he is asking me what happened.
A friend of mine on Facebook- The Cozy Warm Doona tried tagging itself in Malc's photos. Malc didn't let it.
Then the cozy warm doona decided to use its free gift and give him a Jock strap with the message "Hey malc, you left this under the doona. You can come back any time"
Malcolm rejected it! Now the doona has no free gifts left.
That Turnbull isn't getting my vote anymore!

That's about all I can remember for now. I'll try post better. There have been a few stories, I just can't remember them all!

NY Part I

2007-06-13T17:52:00.000-04:00

Well,

I didn't really blog while I was away...did I? I can't remember. I think I'm still hungover.

I did have fun though. The flights were an absolute bitch. I once said I like flying, not the case anymore.

I pretty much just walked around the entire time. As a result of my wanderings, various things happened:

Josh from heeb.
Josh was cool. I'm glad I met him. After failing at the Jewish geography game of "who do you know" we managed to stumble across a random connection which was gratifying in some kind of way. I wanted to take a picture of me and heeb together, but he doesn't like his pic being taken.

So I took a photo of his T-Sauce and glass instead

Celebs
I did see a lot of celebs, well a lot if you think about the amount of people in Manhattan and how many days I was there. Ed Begley Jr, that wierd guy from Mad About you, Morgan Spurlock and Billy from Melrose place. He was actually at my conference! He is launching some crazy social network called CafeMom. I wish him well.

I was very hungover in that pic.

Apparently I had a spack attack when I saw Morgan Spurlock. I turned all celeb crazy. I happen to think my accent allows me to get away with it. You see, cops, I hear, never do this:

My roomies

Fuck. We had fun. i don't think I have watched as much TV in one week as I did there. So much reality TV. Dori, Neeley and Olga- thanks for the apple martinis, the memories and the marijuana pasta.

The Crazy JDate billboard in times square

Conference

Was a parade of nerds. End of story.

The guy on the left, Erick Schonfeld, he is the KING of all nerds.

WTC
I did happen to walk past Ground Zero. It wasn't really somewhere I aimed to get to, but when you're downtown, you can't really miss it. I noticed there was a visitor centre across the road from the site. People could donate money I guess, or buy souvenirs as a mark of their respect etc. Only what, 3,000 or 5,000 people died? Not as many as other catastrophes in the world. But I realised that the reason Western society is so mortified by 9/11 is because the potential for so much monetary wealth was also destroyed that day. That's what people relate to and that's why it was such a tragedy.

Other cool shit

I saw a car on fire.

And loads of coloured Wellingtons

I guess that shall be all for now. Part II when I remember it.

Uptown, downtown and all about town

2007-06-03T15:31:00.002-04:00

I'm having fun in NY. Me likee.

My flight wasn't fun though. Probably worst fight ever. United is shit. Worse than Alitalia and that's a big call. I hope their Blog scourers find this.
Everything was delayed, I missed my connecting flight from LA to NY. So my 21 hours of transport became 23/24 hours. Not fun.
I still got the train from the airport which had its benefits - weirdos. I now know always wear iPod headphones, prevents people from talking to you.
One dude, during conversation, kept on telling me "you only live once", he probably said it 15 times. I told him to write it on a Tshirt. He wanted to pick up some hot chick on the train, so I told him to go for it, you know, you only live once! He was a pussy. Clearly doesn't practice what he preaches.

The mystery shopping escapade
Yesterday I was sitting in Dori's apartment (thanks Dori for having me, 2 days in and it's been awesome, flatmates are fun too) and there is a knock at the door. The supermarket had all this shopping for us. I didn't know if any of her flatmates ordered it, so I took it. Turns out none of them ordered anything, we won free shopping. I didn't know why one of them ordered a whole roast chicken, but shit happens. Some retard also put the watermelon right next to the hot chicken. Who does that??
When we looked at the delivery card, 4D looked more like 4J so we took it down. They didn't order it, but she said that in spanish a G is a J, so we took it there. No dice either. It was really ours.
But then I realised the address was 110, not 101! The poor delivery guy was a tad dyslexic. There was no way we were getting off our asses to take it back to the supermarket. I was worried the guy would get fired for stealing it. You know how prejudice americans are...
In the end, whilst I was having a nap they came back and picked it up. But, we still took the milk. Thanks guys.

Other than that, I'm just walking around, going to a couple of shows, museums, the park.
I'm managing to work it here too. It seems like New Yorkers don't know my tricks either...

My random unknown friend, Josh, from Heeb magazine, I shall be meeting this week. Once it happens we'll put the whole story up here. But until then, Josh, we will see how you perform!

My response to a terrible marketing exercise

2007-05-10T21:11:00.000-04:00

Your offer of a $50 voucher for 1.5 hours is insulting!
In addition, making it seem like Seduce is doing the customers a favour and seeming to offer them an exclusive is a further insult to their intelligence!
Shame on you marketing people!

ps. The correct spelling is: Definitely.

From: sbnewsletters@seduce.com.au
To: wisemandebbie@hotmail.com
Date: Thu, 10 May 2007 02:05:56 +0000
Subject: SEDUCE EVENING FOCUS GROUPS

Seduce Black

Hi Deb

It's that time again and Seduce are inviting the first 40 SeduceBlack members who respond to this email to attend an exclusive focus group and receive a $50 gift voucher.
We are offering you the chance to attend a 1.5 hour session to view the new Seduce Spring/Summer 2007 collection and tell us exactly what you think of our new range!
When:
Monday 14th May 2007: 6 - 7.30pm (18-21YRS)
8 - 9.30pm (22-25YRS)
Wednesday 16th May 2007: 6 - 7.30pm (26-30YRS)
8 - 9.30pm (31+YRS)

Where: Seduce Head Office, St Peters
To be considered, all you need to do is reply to this email and tell us:

Your name
Your age
The suburb where you live
The Seduce store where you most often shop
Your mobile telephone number

Have your say and contribute to the ongoing success of Seduce, and receive a $50 gift voucher on the night as a thank you!
PLACES ARE STRICTLY LIMITED
Only the first 40 replies can be considered, so REPLY NOW!
We will call you shortly to let you know if you have been chosen.
Please confirm only if you can definately make it next week.
PLEASE NOTE: You must receive an email invitation to attend and you will be required to bring a print out of your invitation on the night.
We look forward to hearing back from you!
The SeduceBlack Team

Visit the Seduce website
www.seduce.com.au

The art of pranking

2007-05-07T19:38:00.001-04:00

Whoever is pranking me between 1am and 2am (any night of the week), or 6am (usually on a Sunday morning)- please do it some more.

I'd like to chat.

And you liked it last night, didn't you? I asked you how you were, you said fine and then you had no more material and YOU hung up on ME!

It's time to get creative, show me what you got.

It's not like it's the Logies, it's just the MTV awards!

2007-05-02T01:47:00.000-04:00

This was my perception at the beginning of the night (Which is kind of ironic because I think the Logies are bigger than a joke).

I went from no ticket at 1pm the day of the awards, to ticket in grandstand, to MTV corporate suite to after party travlling by booze bus. And I mean booze bus!

see:

The story unfolds as such:
I wasn't going to the AVMAs at all. I had no tickets, nada. And when a friend called to say he had a ticket for me, I was definitely happy. Although as it dawned on me, no after party ticket is a bit shite. Everyone knows award ceremonies are as boring as piss. What's the point in getting dressed to go home again?

So- I didn't want to go anymore. I tried calling a couple of people for theirs, but in the end I had to go to the AVMAs. I only needed to go to freaking homebush to pick up a spare after party ticket.

However, after a couple of drinks, Eb spilt me into a taxi and we went to homebush.
My seats were pretty good, I saw Pink, see:
And Fergie Ferg and I don't know, some other shit people. And it was getting mighty boring.

Apparently these people were flown to Sydney from my work's Hong Kong office. They were sitting in the MTV office. We made it our mission and theirs to get us to the Corporate MTV suite.
Of course we ran in to the usual anal lift security people who can't take you anywhere without the correct documentation. But we managed to overcome that hurdle with the flash of a bullshit business card.
The suite
This was like Havana. I do not know the rest of what happened in the award show. I proceeded to drink drink after drink (it sucks when a noun is also a verb of the same action).
We had photos, we ran around, we ate. It was fun.
The only thing I did see/hear was Nicole Ritchie mispronouncing Shannon Noll's name. Boy, it was great.

When we left the AVMAs we got the booze bus. MTV hired 10 buses to take people to the after party. Every seat had a bottle of Jaeger on it. I took 4. Then booze hags were going around passing out more drinks. It's a long drive from Homebush back to the city!

When we got to the after party it was MASSIVELY crowded. The person who was collecting tickets just dumped them in this massive bin. I reached in and took out a handful, called up a couple of my closest friends at midnight to see if they would get out of bed and come. They were pansies and didn't.

We couldn't move.
And all I really wanted to was get in the gold area where all the VIPs were.
That didn't work, and it was so packed we left. As we were going they shut the doors for entry.

We got in a cab and left. Our cab driver was such a star fucker. He wanted 2 of our after party tickets. If we gave them to him he would give us a free cab ride. Signed, sealed, delivered baby. You can for sure have 2 worthless pieces of paper.

The whole night got me thinking about celebrity. I don't know why I wanted to go to VIP areas, celebrities are just people with massive insecurities. Maybe I just want all the plebs looking on in envy. That's really the only benefit out of the whole thing....

Well, whatever it was fun. Suite and booze bus were definitely the funnest.

Why these awards are dumb

2007-04-30T00:39:00.000-04:00

These Jib Awards are spastic.

First reason: The nominations
Every man and his dog could enter which is fine- but now there are lists of 20 blogs in one category. That's not cool. If I want to honestly vote for a blog I think is worth it, I have to spend tonnes of time trawling through shit to find the good ones. Which I actually doubt are in there.
Organisers made a fatal flaw in not filtering out the crap ones.

Second reason: It's purely a popularity contest
In addition a friend emailed me saying "ooh ooh ooh. Vote for me!" so now the whole thing is a popularity contest anyway- who has the most readers. You as may well just send in a screen shot from your site metre.
I thought they had a problem last year of people voting multiple times for the same entry. Looks like they didn't think beyond that issue in correcting the major faults of the award system. All they did was verify the "human" factor. I'm sure there is some bot that exists that generates the answers they are after.

And who is this committee anyway? What, they have an idea to do awards and that's it? Shouldn't they get some validation?

I see they want people to connect- but have a blog index with descriptors and synopses of each blog. That's a good list. Maybe categorise so people can find what they are after.
Each award should really only have about 5 nominations. Now it's just going to be a Facebook mode of communiqué, to get people to vote for you. Rubbish. Rubbish effort.

And before you even think it, it's been thunk... I'm not pissed I'm not nominated, I just wish people thought things through before going live.

Ye goode olde times

2007-04-27T01:20:00.000-04:00

Last night I watched Caddyshack.

I probably haven't seen that movie since I was 7. I can't believe my parents even let me watch it. There is a lot of boob. A lot of sex going on. My parents must have been hip.

In any case, that movie has not lost its charm. There was probably a lot that went straight over my head back then, but overall I think I got most of it. Really what else is there to get besides tits, ass and fart jokes?

I don't know anyone who did anything else after that movie. Although Danny was nominated for an Oscar a year before he did Caddyshack. Who goes from Oscar to Caddyshack? And he looks bloody scary these days. He is some cult member.

Then the chick who was the classic hot 'babe', is legally blind without glasses or contacts...

And I like Rodney Dangerfield. He is such a putz. I think that's why I like him. He also has the same birthday as me. Good to see he is a dead with a myspace.

There is even a documentary on the making done in 1999. I might try find me a copy. All the people who were in it are in the film.

It just goes to show that those old gems can live up to their expectations. I could even watch it again.

Advertisers are the fleas on a social networking dog's back

2007-04-23T02:31:00.000-04:00

Well, this has got to be the dumbest title I've ever come up with for a blog post.

However, even if that is the case, I still have some unresolved issues with these social networks. Maybe I should get out more, maybe I should find a new passion. But, sometimes it's a good service, at other times it's just too in your face.

Example of good:- you can reconnect with someone you've lost contact with in a way that is really unobtrusive. It's good because if the person doesn't really like you that much and there is a reason they lost contact with you, they can just ignore you once you've been accepted. The rejectee just thinks the rejector is busy or doesn't really use the site that much and all parties are in the clear and guilt free.

Note that the key word above was unobtrusive. This is important, because advertisers who have hopped on this ride have no idea what the word means. Nor do they know what meaningful and valued is either. This is an example of bad.

When mySpace first started and The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou got on board that was cool. It was original, it was clever and it was entertaining. It also gave information about the movie that viewers could utilise in a practical way. This is also important.

Second Life has also succumbed to pressure. I don't know who else is on there. But, it's now old hat, it's stale and everyone has seen it all before.

Now the mySpace profile is old hat and costs a shit load. If you are going to get up there and do it, don't do one of these. I don't know what you want to achieve. I don't know what you want me to do with it. I'm not a compulsive competition enterer. If I want something I'll just buy it, and frankly so will anyone tapped into the disposable income demographic that is, well, basically your target.

This is an example of something good. I think one of my friends on Ning made this. It goes above and beyond the current use of mySpace. Typical think outside the square type stuff. Plus it has cool stuff you can do. Being in the travel category it's a natural fit to the nature of the industry- you can book through it. Clever stuff. Ingenuitive.

Someone asked me today about what I thought of a brand going on mySpace. Is it worth the mula? Quite frankly, no. Unless you tap into an existing base. That Wrangler profile only has around 500 friends. Not a very good figure for a campaign that's been running for a good few weeks.

Then once you find an existing base and tap into it- get them to promote your product in some way through their profile. It's the next stage in the process, not as creative as the gnome, but at least it uses the space in a smart way with a pre existing user base.

I just don't understand why people want to connect with a brand's myspace. It just doesn't compute on my end.

People have less and less time on a daily basis. If they connect it will be with their mates for the 5 or 10 minute or hour interval they have online. I don't why they would connect with a brand. Maybe the real brand, in real life, but certainly not something virtual (I see where Second Life comes in there, having a drink of Cola or whatever, but it's getting tired, real tired).

It's just getting on the band wagon. It's being in the space your competitor is just to be seen. You lose value, you waste cash and you become unoriginal. I say bin it all. Think what's best for you and your consumer. Screw the bandwagon.

The top 8 friends thing

2007-04-19T19:24:00.000-04:00

The other week, I was invited to a soiree. This wasn't the usual soiree, it was an event where only the top, close friends were invited.
It kind of made me feel that this person had gone to their mySpace and invited their Top 8 friends only. I felt rather exclusive, I felt kind of cool.

I just heard of another case where someone has invited his top 15...close to 16. Same thing. It is clearly an epidemic.

It got me thinking: MySpace has one foot in the grave. We know it's true. I've thought it for a while. A long while. Even the kids at Lifelounge have proved it with their latest Urban Market Report.
So now that this is true. Maybe this is the jumpstart that the mySpace needs.

What happens is they start a competition- mySpace will hold a party for you and your top 8, whoever they may be. If you win, mySpace will get all your top 8s and ensure they get to your party. You could have Steve Zissou in your 8 or the Pussy cat dolls. mySpace won't care and you won't care as long as your top 8 are there.

Even if they do it, I think I'm going to start having top 8 parties. I have an issue in that I only have 6 friends on mySpace, because I don't really care for it, but I'm sure I can adapt.

What has gone around, again comes around

2007-04-15T19:16:00.000-04:00

Who would have thought a year can go by so quickly??
Last year I was in dot co dot il for pesach. It was rad. That was when David stole my title.
I commented that every Tom, Dick and Harry had this insatiable need to mention blogs at 5 minute intervals. This year, it was Facebook.

Now, the only reason I got on that thing was to see what it's all about. I'm already tired. It's just some other task I have to do every day and I can't be bothered. The worst part is I have to reject and ignore those people who request to be my friend on facebook. These are people I haven't spoken to in a while or even remotely know. If I haven't spoken to you in a while, the only people who slip through in that category are those who live overseas, and were born there. If you just moved there, from Sydney AND I haven't spoken to you in a while you don't make the cut.

The whole point is, it lets your friends know what you're up to, where you're at. If you have these bunch of half-nelsons on your facebook, what's the point in letting them know what you're up to? That's why I'm not friends with you, I don't want you to know, and I never have.

Yes- I take my facebook seriously. It isn't a contest, it's a social server.

Then there is the other problem of "limited profile". If I decide to be nice and let you in, but only give you limited access, people can tell. It's worse than total rejection. A friend recently discovered they were "limited" on a few facebooks. Not a happy discovery.

I am dealing with this problem of irritation. I joined a group on facebook - "I have rejected someone who I dont want to add as a friend". Apparently they don't know when you reject them. A good thing. Although that person who I keep rejecting and they keep requesting obviously hasn't worked out when things are no longer 'pending' and they need to keep 'requesting', it isn't a good sign.

Note- pending 8 requests. You will never be accepted...

The biggest April Fools of All- Earth Hour

2007-03-31T21:14:00.000-04:00

This Earth Hour thing- a joke.
A PR stunt if you will.

In Sydney, on Saturday night, there was some Earth Hour mission- everyone was to turn off all their lights, an other various electrical deivces, for an hour at 7.30pm.
I wasn't sure if singing of Kumbaya was obligiatory or not.

The view from The Connaught apartment building in Liverpool Street over the Cenotaph and Hyde Park during Earth Hour. Link

Leading up to it, I was actually excited. I was thinking the city is going to look mad in darkness.
But, thinking about it a little bit more, I realised a couple of things:

Candles actually emit more gases etc, than special environmental light globes
The savings both financially and at power stations is minimal, actually negligible
Driving- are you meant to turn your headlights off?
Council streetlights cannot be turned off
The number of robberies to occur within that hour
How smart would you be if you are the ONLY building in the city with your lights and signage still on?
Swans were playing at the SCG. Those lights are bright, enough to damage any effort.

The whole thing was a joke. I'm not impressed. So who has been had Sydney?? You all have. Yes it's great to get the kids involved, but in all seriousness it was more of an initial great idea where most of the kinks and issues weren't clearly thought out. I've just read that they plan to make this ridiculousness an annual event! Time to go back to the drawing board methinks.

And another random thought I had over the weekend...I was driving behind some bloody slowcoach. He stops in the middle of the road to do a reverse park. No indicator, no nothing. I needed at that point, automatic windows so I could wind it down and question his lack of indicator usage.
I'm a manual girl, both in transmission and windows, I suffered the loss. Not worth the effort to lean over and wind it down....

Arrested Development are a bunch of cool grandpas

2007-03-29T21:06:00.000-04:00

Oooh, last night was so much fun. I saw Arrested Development. They are all so much older, but the coolest grandpas I've ever met.

I've attached some pics and a video (which I wasn't meant to take, but it's a short sample).
It was an MTV initiative, so I thought I would teach those fuckers at Viacom a lesson! I read what David Hyman said on Boing Boing and thought I would contribute. We were told no photography and no videos or you get kicked out. One Love didn't seem to mind. He loved it.

Also in the middle of the stage- one of the grandpas, I don't know which one, was just sitting on a couch. Dancing. Sitting ona couch moving his head and hands to the beat. That was it. I took a pic of him. Someone know his name?

I just can't believe how old they have all become. Onelove is trendy, he is pretty cool with his sunglasses, tracksuit and his demeanor, but then, he has this little gray moustache! It's wierd.

But they were great, we were so close and it was a lot of fun. Free booze helped and I was well pissed about an hour into it.

Wierdest thing of the night...On wednesday night I watched this dumb game show for 10 minutes. I never really watch TV these days. Object of the game show is to con the ohter contestants you are doing really well, and they don't know your score. This guy Stewart, was very funny. He was very honest and basically said he was doing shithouse the entire time. For ten minutes I was obsessed with him. Come Thursday, he was at Arrested Development. We had photos, we sussed him out- we thought he was a plant. He was probably so chuffed by our reaction. I'm feel kind of nice I stretched his 15minutes of fame...

Me and Stewie- he likes to stick his hands infront of people's faces

So check out my pics and my video.

Myself and OneLove

Unfortunate miscommunications

2007-03-29T00:08:00.001-04:00

Last night, something terrible happened in the harbour. A ferry crashed into a boat, the boat disintegrated. 3 people died, one woman lost a leg and a 14 year old girl is still missing. It turns out they are all from the ice skating community.
Coming in on the ferry this morning there was a helicopter searching for the 14 year old girl, boats cordoning off the area.

No one really knew what was going on. Someone on the ferry told me what was happening.

Then, I get off the ferry. There is a Channel 9 crew just standing there. They have the producer, the cameraman and the are just stnading around. Kicking their feet around. Then, the journalist turns to me as I walk past and he asks:
"Excuse me...do you know what happened last night"?

I looked at him, slightly confused. A little bit perplexed. Vexed even:
"Well, aren't you meant to tell me that? You are the news, right?"

A new low channel 9. I recommend from now you start reading my blog.

The loophole in the Youtube

2007-03-28T02:06:00.000-04:00

I love YouTube as much as the next person.
There is some great stuff on there.
These are some of my faves:
Ask a Ninja
Chad Vader
Star Trek as Kens and Barbies

Sometimes I even get to see some fun Viacom stuff that some nice person has put up there. It's the user revolution gone mad.
Then when I think I want to send it on, maybe one or 2 days later, Viacom has instructed youTube to take it down. It really pisses me off.

More so because there has been some niggling thought at the back of my brain. The only way to keep these on YouTube is to tag them and title them with some code name. There is no way the monitors at YouTube will be able to discover what is what. The magnitude of videos uploaded is way too many.

So my idea is to create a decoder website. You upload your banned video on youTube with an entitled code, then you go to some other wesbite and submit the code and it's decoded counterpart.
When a viewer wants to see banned content, they enter the real tag of the video they want to find on YouTube and the site gives you the YouTube code.

Obviously I forsee people finding out where the site is- so we have to keep it moving. Like that Seinfeld episode where George thinks that the beautiful people create clubs in empty warehouses, then move the location so the regular plebs can't find them out.

Or...maybe this is all too complicated and you could just create some small site which holds all this banned content, but it wouldn't be on YouTube and then where would the fun be in that?

A certified moron

2007-03-25T19:44:00.000-04:00

I am a moron. There is no doubt about it.

Firstly, I got home on Saturday night. Was a big night out. Big. Mandaly music is OK, but the room is small, narrow and over heated.
When I got home, I was hungry, so I took out some Salami stuff. Big knife, BIGGER salami.
I sliced my finger AGAIN. Same finger and everything.
A bit sore. An ugly knife. Bad quality, so my the cut is quite jagged. And it hurts, a lot.

Secondly- I've finished watching all of Grey's Anatomy, Season 3. I got or the DVDs in Thailand. Last week I saw episode 12, the last one.......or so I thought! Season 2 had 27 episodes! There are soooo many more I need to see!
The feeling of being complete- I'm ahead, everyone else is a slave to their television and I've ticked that To Do off my list. Now, NOW, I'm back to the drawing board and it sucks.
If anyone goes to Thailand, i wanna know. I need to get the rest of Grey's on DVD. I shall pay you.

I also think Indian Mynas are "Little crows" (and I thought it was spelt Minor)
It's not like anyone I know actually knows what they are called. To me they look like crows, just little versions, so they are little crows. A no brainer really. So when I commented on the cute "Little crow" I got laughed all the way into certified moron-ness.

I can't attribute it to the magazines, because I stopped reading them when I got back form Thailand, they rot my brain. And after I dropped 5 IQ points, had blackouts, it was time to let it all go.

Now I don't mind this moronic behaviour that much- it gets laughs. I just want to stop injuring myself.

This is NOT a good idea

2007-03-21T22:52:00.000-04:00

Today, I went for an ice cream run. It's always fun and it lifts the spirits.

I was not expecting to encounter this:

Outside the ANZ on Pitt St was this horrible statue thing. The person in it moved like a robot. Goddam freaky. Those things are not pleasant to look at. They are hideous! Especially when someone at ANZ has picked up some street performed from Circular Quay and then handed them an ANZ apron and said:
"Here, just do your thang, but wear this whilst your doing it...What's your hourly rate? $4 an hour? We'll double it!"

I was greatly disturbed. The person was so skinny so I couldn't tell if it was entirely real at first. I moved up close and it pounced on me. I went in to complain. Those things just aren't right.

We (Ms Moig and I), went inside to complain:
Me: Excuse me, that THING outside, it just isn't right. It's scaring people.
Lady in ANZ: Oh yes, you've seen it.
Ms Moig: Yeah, I'm a client of ANZ and if I wasn't I wouldn't join
Lady: We just want people to notice us.
Me: Are you serious? That's a GREAT marketing strategy. Who came up with that doozie?

So ANZ, I hope you're googling and technorating yourself since you've implemented this because it is a travesty.

And as we left, Moig screamed out to the statue "Freak", I warned it not to move on me and Moig cleverly commented that if they wanted people to notice them, why not just put out a bunch of people shooting up crack. That would surely get people noticing them.

This social networking thing doesn't bang my drum

2007-03-21T19:55:00.000-04:00

As an observer of media and how people use it, I decided to get my tuchus on to facebook. I'm also on YouTube, Digg, Mog, mySpace (for viewing purposes only, I hate my Space), Blogger, Flickr, Multiply, IMDb, Amazon, eBay, Delicious, BlogShares, Koolanoo (the jewish myspace) and the list goes on.
Coupled with my 4 various email addresses, the profiles I keep for anonymity and 3 online bank accounts - I have so many user identities and profiles, it is a wonder I can keep track of all the passwords.

I've also been playing this online matchmaking game. I'm a love god who has to match up couples. I can break up other players couples, and i can make some of my guests hotter. It's a lot of fun and the end prize is a holiday for a week somewhere in QLD or something. I'm not going to win, but I'm helping someone out who is ranked 1. It is a bit of fun- but it's a lot of effort. Every day I have to feed this thing- take my couples out on dates, make the whingers hotter. It's becoming more of a hassle.

The same with Facebook. You have to nurture your profile like a little seed. Day after day continue to nurture it and add things. It just eats away time and don't see the purpose. I only want my close friends to see what I'm doing and even then, if it's that important they know, I'll call them or they will be doing whatever it is with me.

And the randoms! Give me strength to handle the randoms. Who are these people that want to be friends with me? If I haven't spoken to you in the last 5 years (at least) there is probably a reason. I don't think things are going to be any easier in the digital realm. I'm pretty sure we won't speak there either.
In the beginning I had some guilt. I let people in. Since I woke up to this ridiculousness, I've removed people. I've declined some requests. I don't mind. I don't want you knowing about my daily activities. And if I don't know you, I don't know you. Digital will fortunately keep that same status, it's virtual.

So, I think I'm giving up Facebook. The incessant updates into my email are annoying. The blog thing is ok. It's simple, self explanatory and if you're into it, you keep coming. Otherwise you leave it for a while. I don't really need to know and that's kind of the way I like it.

Heeled thrice, sore legs and a headached from hell

2007-03-19T01:13:00.000-04:00

Oh, last night was fun. Dan and Rachelle Silver's wedding. Awesome.
So much dancing, so much alcohol. You can't go wrong.

I got 3 stiletto heels planted in my feet- fantastic. Nothing gets the blood flowing like that.
Highlights included:

Vodka shots being handed out on the dancefloor.
A boat from chuppah to reception
Some of the most excellent displays of the Hora I have ever seen. Nothing better than a speedster hora. I could only handle the pain in my feet if I was dancing.
Brilliant cocktails
One hot bartender and a couple of hot bridesmaids
The presence of one Gila Levitan
Having great times with great mates (all except silly Roni Guralnek who couldn't make it).

All in all a top TOP night. Thanks Rachelle and Dan. Awesome.

And I think from now I am inflicting a NO BLACK rule. No one is alllowed to wear black anymore. I can't tell who is who and it gets boring.

a big wedding, when even the dog gets dressed up
this is what happens when you try look cool and pose...you end up looking like a total dickhead.
i love having to crouch. It gets more fun every time

Sweaty bride. Awesome.

Oh, soo pissed at this point. Love it

Extreme close up

Geeze Louise, Leo Sayer!

2007-03-14T20:04:00.000-04:00

So last night I had a massively boozey night. Went to some MTV battle of the bands. Garnier was there doing crazy ass things to people's hair. If you did it, you got a free pack of all these products.

I sat in the chair. I wanted products. But I don't exactly have the type of hair that lends itself to an Elvis quiff as they were doing to every bloody person in the room.
So I sat down in from of the most senior looking stylist. He was old, gay, fat and bald. He had on this little sharp glasses with black rims. He was scary looking. He almost looked like one of those shrunken head people- massive body and tiny little head.
I said to him "Are you going to work with my hair or are you going to some crazy ass shit that doesn't suit me?"
He got ticked off and asked me if I was going to be arrogant or just sit in the chair.
Touche to him. Not a bad effort.
But I got up and left. The strain was too hard.

I did get a pack in the end, so if anyone wants hair product I can give you some.

On the way home, I was starving, so I stopped off to get something. Who should I bump into AGAIN? The one and the only Mr Leo Sayer. He is so cute and little. I think I scared him a tad though. I told him how I had seen him a couple of months ago - at Harris Farm. Next to the pineapples. I told him we stalked him. I was plastered at the time of saying this.
He replied "Oh yes, the pineapples" like he knew what I was talking about. I never said anything to him at Harris Farm so it's not like he can remember.
He slowly backed away. I would too. He had a nice little car.
He is so funny.

But, had I known he had been on the Muppets, I would have had a lot more exciting conversation than bloody pineapples. I love the muppets.

A night at the arduous Oscars

2007-02-26T19:27:00.000-05:00

Well. I don't know why I was ever into the Oscars. The whole thing is political and a schmoozing battle. The comedy is atrocious. In fact it isn't even comedy, it is torturous. It's so cheesy you cringe with every opening of the hosts mouth.
The only host that was ever funny in my mind, was Steve Martin. He was so crass and rude. It was fantastic. Right up my alley.

Gradually over the years, my excitement has waned. I'm still that annoying person who doesn't want to know who has won. I won't look at msn or yahoo all day. There is no safe risk.
It's so useless, because I only watch the last quarter of it anyway- the money end. There is still a thrill in not knowing.

But, this was just so drawn out and long winded. Even the dresses weren't that nice. They were all so bland. And there were the biggest bunch of nobodies in the crowd.
Since when does J Lo think she is somebody? Has she EVER been nominated for anything? When did she become Hollywood royalty? I just don't get it.

The silhouettes were fun. I'm guessing this is the new big thing. Being John Malkovich took puppets, the Academy awards takes shadow making. Some of it was pretty cool. I did expel an "ooh" and a couple of "aahs".

What was with the presentation of costumes? That chick in the red dress and the movement of her leg was disturbing. I wish I could find a video of it on Youtube.

And JHud. You are adorable. Beyonce, you are so silly. During song, you were more concerned with hairflicks than singing.

And the pièce de résistance? Would definitely have to be Judi Dench's photo appearing on screen for the best actress category. Where did they get that thing? Google?
I can tell you they did. Hear it is:

Couldn't they get a glamour shot or something?
(This was the best likeness I could find...)

You know Penelope Cruz looked so forlorn when she didn't win. I don't know why she cares so much, it's such bullshit.

Acadmey People: I hope you technorati this. I hope you look at all blog traffic, because you have turned this event into a mockery. Which I guess it is. It's time to reflect, think what your institution has become and remodel.

To Thailand and back again

2007-02-13T22:48:00.000-05:00

Well, we made it, barely. We had fun and then we came back.

Jetstar, and I hope you have web trawlers because you are getting a bashing, you were goddam awful. They of course don't tell you the full story on their website. When you sign up you think you have to pay for EVERYTHING. You do, but there are some kick backs.
Everyone gets little headphones for one movie. Others pay $12 for personal TVs with multiple movies. But if you are lucky like we were, the TVs kept going up and down from the ceiling and on the way back there was no sound. We didn't get compensation. They weren't allowed to hand out the personal TVs. Such a joke.
Food is revolting for $25. One hot meal, one light meal, one drink with each. Everything else you have to pay for. So glad I took food on the way there.
Service is slow- because they have to monitor every meal going out, money coming in, who has what, what your shoe size is and whether you scrunch or fold.
Blankets and pillows are only $7, but you get to keep it. Lucky I have that Qantas blanket. It's so cosy.
They do surprise landings. When you are 1 metre above the ground, ready to land in Phuket, the plane takes off again. They don't tell you what's going on till 5 minutes later. Not really one of the most enjoyable experiences of my life.

We also had the same steward twice, Tong, whom we harassed on the way there. Someone kept pressing the flight attendant button on their seat to continually complain about the TVs going up and down. Tong kept telling us to turn it off. Some of the flight attendants just came over and turned the light off without even asking us what we wanted. It was a happy reunion when we saw Tong again.

Aside from Jetstar, we had fun in Phuket and Phi Phi. Language was a bit of a barrier. At times I'd be inclined to say intelligence too, but it was all bearable.

Points of note

Interesting uses of language
Some being "Potato of the day" and "Market salad"

Excellent array of weird and wonderful fruits.
Mini bananas were a highlight.
You can also see my banadaged finger here.

Buckets.
Never, ever, under any circumstances drink an alcoholic drink from a Thai bar out of a bucket.
If you were like me, and got drunk quickly, the taste of the whiskey wasn't so bad after a while. You won't notice that the others have stopped drinking. And when that bucket is finished you will be mistakenly proud of yourself. I was so sick the next day. I couldn't handle those fantastic smells of Phi Phi on a regular day. Being hungover made it that little bit more gruesome.
Fried squid anyone?

Pirate DVDs
I've never frolicked in this pastime. Let's just say I got addicted and quickly

Boats
Boats can be fun. Boats with Chavs are even more fun.

Water skiing
If you have never water skied before, and someone who doesn't speak english is trying to teach you, this is as far as you will get:

The fruit family
This is grandma fruit. She cuts fruit all day, puts it on a polystyrene tray, wraps it in plastic and then sells it for 20 Baht. When she concentrates, she pokes her tongue out. She is cute. But, she doesn't wear a brassiere.
There is also fruit boy, fruit girl, fruit aunt, fruit mum.
While they cut fruit, particularly in the evening, they watch Thai soaps. They love Thai soaps.
Don't ever ask fruit boy any questions. If you ask what something is, he cannot respond. All he knows how to do is put the fruit in a bag and take 20 baht. Nothing else. Although sometimes he will make an eating motion with his hand towards his mouth.
I liked the fruit family.

Viewpoints
Viewpoints were awesome. The sea was clear. The sand was white hot.

This was what every day looked like for me:

Dirty old men
These men are gross. They hire thai girls to be their companions for their entire trip. Sorry, at this point I should excuse my ignorance- I've never been to Thailand before.
I even went to a Go Go club. I saw the famous ping pong trick. I was not impressed. Nor was I impressed when one the Go Go girls lit 4 fags in her fanny and proceeded to inhale and exhale somehow. I can't tell whether it was worse when she did that over my beer or when the young Australian guy on the other side of the bar lit his cigarette off her 4 fags and told her "Don't you dare fart in my face".
I liked it when we were at another club and danced on the table with Rainbow (and no, her name is not "that girl"). She was fun. She'd been a dancer with visible t-string for 16 years. She was 32.
I didn't like when some random american sat with us at breakfast one morning, told us his wife, who he has been married to for 20 years, doesn't do phone sex, and he had recently cheated on her with some thai girl.

On the reverse side, I enjoyed the sight of dirty old men wearing do-rags. They were funny.

Bikes, Tuk Tuks everywhere
Everyone travels on motorbikes. Best was seeing a family of four on one.
I did get annoyed of "Tuk Tuk?" after a while. Same with "Taxi boat?" but once we started responding with "No. Banana boat?" instead, life got easier.
$12 Massage
I had one everyday. I like the bottles the oil comes in.
Memorable experience was over hearing the story of a man who came in for "sex massage" which unfortunately was not on the menu. He didn't get much in return. If I was there I would have given him one of these bottles.

The cutest little boy on the planet
This is Maddox Jolie Pitt. He is adorable.

Here is a video too:

All in all it was awesome. I got a good tan. Thanks ladies for a lovely time. I'm sure there are stories I have forgotten. Please feel free to comment.

The finger slicing, XRay and tetanus. Episode 75

2007-01-29T00:46:00.000-05:00

Warning: some images not for the squeamish

This was meant to be a blog about how Nic, Kate, Kate and I are going to Thailand on Wednesday. Apparently it's something to talk about.
Our flights, are on average $450 return, including taxes. We're on jetstar, we got some deal. We have to pay extra for blankets ($7), headphones ($10) and food ($25). Luckily I now have my own Qantas blanket, so I don't need to hire that.

I took these pictures for the occasion.

The tripsters: Kate, Nic, myself and Kate

Kate, my tongue and I

Last Monday, as I was contemplating the post I would write, I was cutting up some pictures for a presentation. I was using a cutting board, a lovely metal ruler and a bitch of a stanley knife.
The knife slipped on the ruler and that bitch sliced right through the top of my finger (not the whole thing, maybe half way).

The bitch of a knife

After my Martin rendition of "Owie Owie Ow", I saw the blood start flowing and it didn't really stop till they put the stitches in. 5 of them. I predicted the number. I sat at my desk, people got me tissues, then I got a big mo-fo of a bandage around my finger, it must have been at least 8cm in diametre.

I got cabcharges to Sydney Hospital and off I went.

The orderlies were nice. One, Andrew, enjoyed telling me his own stories of slicing fingers off with broken beer bottles. I didn't enjoy them that much. Once they took off the bandage and there was no pressure, the hurt started and random chat was not advisable.

Dr Kevin was lovely. His favourite pastime is tennis and his favourite part of doctoring is doing stitches, so I was glad I fulfilled that aspect. I also had to have X rays to make sure I hadn't scraped any bone off. Once that was clear we moved to stitching.

Dr Kevin explained to me that he would put anaesthetic in my finger. I hate anaesthetic needles, they are a real bitch. He jabbed that fucker in and I said to Dr Kevin
"I hate you, you're such a prick". He laughed. However, read on - he got me back for that later.

Then the bastard jabs the needle in the other side of my finger. I was NOT expecting that. I exclaimed,
"Dr Kevin, what was that? You didn't tell me you were going to jab me twice! What is this, your idea of a doctor surprise???! SURPRISE!!"

Once I couldn't feel my finger at all they did the five stitches.
Andrew the orderly was hanging around the entire time. At this point he says to me:
"You know, you're 13 days older than me."

I'm kind of perplexed. I'm sitting there with my bone exposed, my finger is numb, but tingly like a dead leg gets. I look at him strangely and I respond:
"Thanks Andrew. Thank you for that information. I'll take it with me to the grave."
Apparently I'm mean, I shut him down, he was denied. But, the timing was impeccable, the tone fantastic and the Dr got a good laugh out of it.

So these were my surgical drapes (with some blood underneath. Yummy):

This is my wound stitched and taped up:

The dirty bandage by the end of a few days:

I got these awesome sticky bandages that stick together like spider webs. I had to get my hair washed at a salon because I couldn't get my hand wet. Hopefully work cover should stitch that up nicely.

Andrew gave me the best Tetanus shot I've ever gotten. No dead arm feeling and it only got sore on day 2. I couldn't believe he actually gave me a needle. I told him he was good. Kudos where kudos is due.

I was only in emergency for about an hour (Monday mornings are very slow) and then I went straight back to work like a moron. I should have gone home.

And how did Dr Kevin get me back?
I went to get my stitches taken out today. We discussed his tennis battles on the weekend. He lost and won a game each. He admires Federer. Then the "prick" wrapped up my finger with a finger GString. It looks absolutely ridiculous. I can't get it wet for 4 days. I'm thinking of naming it Slimey (Oscar the Grouch's worm) and colouring him in accordingly.

But Thailand, here I come....

Horror and infamy

2007-01-16T16:33:00.000-05:00

This weekend.......was hot. 'twas awesome. All the trappings of hot weather were there

Spiders everywhere. Those Andrew Cross spiders own my garden. I walked into one. It was a fucking nightmare and their little bulbous bodies are rock hard. That movie Aracnophobia still freaks me out.
I was walking around with a stick to knock any webs out of my way. I felt like Indy.
Birds that just won't shut up
Kids screaming across neighbourhoods as they jump into pools, peppered with the sounds of "Mum! MUM, look at me!!!"

Friday night was fun. I went to some new friends for dinner, and on the way home I found a pair of sneakers. When I got home it took me about 15 minutes of failing abysmally at throwing them over the power cables. It's actually quite exhausting. You throw the sneakers so far away and you have to get them every time you miss. It's a pain in the ass. In the end, I was told correct technique (hold the shoes together and throw, don't use one like a lasso and then throw like I did....).
Suffice to say, I was successful on the second go! Not bad at all.
Will be a very joyous occasion every time I walk past those babies.

Shabbat was quiet. Real quiet. I had about 16 hours sleep. I finished a book I've been trying to read for the past 4 months and it's only 180 pages long. It's been so disjointed I feel as fucked up reading it as the guy who is in it.

On Sundee, I tried working on a laptop and sunning myself at the same time. The hard part was touching the black keys, they just kept on getting hotter as the day went on. I think I have finger burn.
Worst part of the day: Walking to the pool, deciding to clean it and spotting a dead kookaburra in the water. I saw one of them milling around the pool on Friday, had I known it was a goner, I would have gone to save it. Now my pool is contaminated. It was so difficult getting the corpse out of the water without touching it. Birds are filthy animals.
I was so focused, I didn't even think first "Must take photo for blog". Only after I had thrown the animal into the no man's land did I think to take a pic. There are it's legs. It stank. I hope by now it has decomposed...

Back to hilarity

2007-01-08T15:50:00.000-05:00

Oh, it's sometimes feels so good to cause havoc. I don't know why. Maybe because I was so good in school? Maybe because the cheekiness now is so brazen, it's hard to resist? Who knows, but it's fun.

First order of business because it totally rocks my world:
I threw my first pair of sneakers onto an electric cable. It took about 10 throws and in the end I couldn't even hit the target (totally unlike me), so my buddy was the one to achieve the intended goal. It looks damn cool and everytime I'll pass by there i'll comment "There are the shoes" a la Ghost World's "There are the pants again"

Look closely in the centre of the image for the sneakers

I stabbed a man with a fork, almost
I was eating my typical mezze plate at some bar when some guy decided to stand right next to me with his ass in my face. I picked up the fork and attempted stabbing him in the left cheek, but I couldn't go through with it. So I put the fork in left bum pocket instead. I didn't care if he noticed the fork was in his pocket, that was my intention. So I made sure he could feel it on the way in. It worked, he removed the fork and quietly stepped away from my face.
The next guy who did that, I just told him to move because his ass was in my face. He kindly obliged.

The fork involved

My week off

2007-01-02T00:39:00.000-05:00

This week was one of the most deserved weeks of my entire life. I had no real plans, I wasn't tied down to anything specific and I just floated along the week of sun, surf (well not really in my case- I scared of waves and I can't dive), bikinis and alcohol.

It was fantastic. And most probably the reason I refrained from blogging.

Highlights would be my $45 massage, my facial, the inability to stop spending money on socialising and the beginnings of a fantastic tan.

Reminiscing about my massive bruise from last year was also well remembered.

There wasn't really anything that happened that would be bloggable. All the stories are too long winded and by the time you get to the punchline, you've already forgotten what happened at the beginning. But I am again hooked on playing 500 and I am a master of the backgammon board. No one believes I can take home the Open Misere. David, remember all the times I've done it??

One thing funny did happen today. I was dared to eat 2 beroccas for $10. Easy money I say. I used to eat Beroccas as a kid. But I've never done 2 before. Now I'm burping up a storm!

Christmas spirit just keeps on growing

2006-12-21T19:53:00.000-05:00

So yesterday, I'm walking to the ferry. I see some decorations. Then I turn my head and see this little gem:

I think someone feels a little bit like me. Not only did they hang Santa on their balcony, they actually hung him!
Maybe it's a reference to Sadaam.

It's a little bit shocking- right on New South Head rd (across the road from the drycleaners). A main road, kids will see it.

I kind of like it, maybe even love it. It makes me smile.

Back in the game

2006-12-20T01:20:00.000-05:00

So good to be back. Already have a tally of stories to get off my chest.

You have to realise how much I hate Christmas. I don't know if I really hate it, I just hate those people who "get into the spirit" and wear glittery "Noel" t shirts and red and green tinsel in their hair. Don't people know that Coke invented those Christmas colours??!!! You are just subscribing to marketing. Fools.

I also intensely dislike the notion that everyone thinks that everyone else does Christmas.

A bit of this dislike has probably rubbed off onto me from the parental father figure. He was always "we're Jewish, we don't do Christmas. No presents on the 8 days of Chanukah, it's a travesty. It's just a way for Jews to make themselves more Christian like. etc etc"

I do clearly exaggerate the diatribe my father used to give, however these days I just feel we're in a multi cultural society. Different cultures do different stuff, don't ram Christmas down my throat. ... Although I have always loves those Hanna Barbera christmas cartoons. Rudolph, Frosty the Snowman. You can't go wrong and it was how I educated myself to Christmas songs.

So yesterday in WBJ (Westfield Bondi Junction). I had a great time trying to find parking. As I was at the end of my tether and thinking I'm only doing one more round in here, I asked some girl if she was leaving and if I could stalk her to her car. Better than actually driving at 2km an hour till she gets to her car (which is what happened to me when I left, so I weaved in and out of cars to piss off my stalker. I was just having fun, I couldn't resist).

So I parked and went inside.

Masses and masses of people. Just everywhere and just walking so aimlessly. I checked out a couple of my favourite places. Princess Highway has pleasantly surprised me once, I'm waiting for them to surprise me yet again.

Meduza was fantastic. I loved this little pinafore but it was a little too expensive and the fabric, being polyester, seem it could be a little too hot. So I enquired about this to the sales lady:

Me: Does this dress get hot?
Saleslady: Yes, yes. It looks great.
Me: No. Not hot in the Paris kind of way. Hot in the 'does this fabric make you sweat' kind of way?
Saleslady: Yes, this is my daughter's shop. She designs everything. She is so great.
Me: No. You're not actually listening to what I'm saying. I want to know....etc etc

Not really how I envisaged that conversation going down. The dress did infact look hot and so I asked for a discount. She said no, but I told her everyone in WBJ gives me discounts (which they don't). In the end I swung one. If you read this blog and ask me how, I'll tell you how. Very useful and I shall definitely be using it again.

So I went walking around elsewhere, although I couldn't actually walk. I couldn't move. These fuckers think around Christmas that they don't have to subscribe to the stand left on an escalator rule. I had to ask so many people to please stand aside. Initially my comments were just excuse me, can I please get past and then I got inventive:
"Can you please stand to the left as is the customary rule on escalators"
"Hey bub, shift left"
"You! Yes you! Move"
doesn't really get more creative than that and the last one I made up.

The taxis are a nightmare.
Virtually impossible to score one. Today I had a meeting and after walking from Bridge St to Market St to score a taxi, I got into one and let out my feelings to the cab driver once within the vehicle. He wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, I'll say that now.

He proceeded to talk about it being Christmas and the silly season but he said no to worry soon it will be Sunday, then Monday and then comes the big turkey. He asked me what I did and I said with bold defiance:
"I don't do Christmas, I'm Jewish."

So he asked me what I do. I said we don't believe in Jesus, he is a Heretic. We don't do anything in relation to Christmas. We aren't Christian. I think I was raving. He asked about other holidays and I said there are tonnes throughout the year. He tried to think of some.... his ensuing response.......

"Oh yeah, the holocaust."

On hearing this, try envisage my response. Guess what I did...
I can't believe I didn't go ballistic. I just responded calmly
"Holocaust?! That was when Hitler tried to kill all the Jews. I don't really think it's a holiday, more of a more memorial day."

I don't think he was too embarrassed. I actually laughed and said I needed to write that down. He continued on the Jew topic. He said we're all rich, I responded that this was slightly stereotypical and not exactly accurate. Then he said we're all so smart. He mentioned Einstein. And then I mentioned it's not so true either, I happen to know a couple of dumb asses.
He liked that.

Overall it's ok. I'm trying not to go into anymore department stores or shopping centres with a vehicle. You will never ever get parking. I am excited for Christmas morning cartoons. Love those. Unexcited for the weather continuing to be shit. I wonder if we'll have another "hottest day on record". Who will do the counting for how ever many times that's said?

On another note
Know anyone who works for the NSW Premiers department?? If you know someone that does, I'd very much like to know. Shoot me an email if you do....

Love you all. Drive safe over the holiday period. Those p drivers are lethal.

I've been to hell and back

2006-12-18T18:25:00.000-05:00

Things have been quiet. I know. I'm sorry.

I haven't had time to do anything besides work. On Sunday I had to go in to work on a pitch, I didn't leave till 4am, then was back at 7.30 Monday morning.
Not all bad, I'm not at work today.

At 10.30am yesterday, I started to get delirious due to lack of sleep. It wasn't and out of body experience, more like my body had a mind of it's own and I was peering through my eyes, but they weren't really through my own eyes, I was trapped in the back. Hard to explain, but kind of like the feeling when people were inhabiting John Malkovich's body in "Being John Malkovich".
I feel a little better now, but it's going to be a week of checking emails and cleaning my desk.

On the Christmas party front, they have all been pretty shit. The White party was so good last year, everyone really made an effort. Even the strippers. This year, the pole dancers didn't even care and the dirty old men weren't as sleazy as the usually are. A real disappointment.

The weather has also been shithouse. This topsy turvy garbage. Fucking El Niño. I'm making a concerted serious effort now to preserve energy/electricity and water. Don't put your appliances on standby, turn them off. And I don't know what else there is to do really. That's the extent of most of my changes.
But, if I don't get a tan soon, the shit is going to hit the fan.

So today, I'm going to have a beach lunch with Rosen, I'm going to the beach. I'm gonna do a couple of errands, have a nap and just take it easy. Hopefully over the summer break, I'll get some top stories. I wonder if we will revisit the Leaning Tower of Pisa episode?

The party smarty

2006-12-05T03:14:00.000-05:00

Well, we had the big party on the weekend at Peppermint Lounge.
It appears there were 6 parties on that night, with 400 other people on doorlists.

As I am adamant that big, blow in parties are not my thing, I had no concerns with this do whatsoever.

I used to do them a few years ago, but I've since pulled out. You get neurotic:

Did I send EVERYONE the invite?
Did I send the invite to those dicks I wasn't meant to send it to?
Is the venue big enough?
Is the venue small enough?
Will people drink?
Will people turn up?
Will the music be good?
Do I really have to talk to those people who I never see except at random parties?
Why can't I just talk to my friends?
What will I wear?
Will I look hot?
No one better wear the same outfit as me
I hope I don't get paralytic.
Is that bitch gonna turn up?
I hope there are enough randoms (new people are always good)

This list is long, the pressure high. As I resigned myself to the fact I was not going to care, I had no worries at all. Someone even suggested I not turn up. I quite liked that idea. The so daring act which is just too impossible to fathom amongst those I know. It would either catapult me into' social suicide' or 'social 15 minutes of fame stardom'.

It never happened.

But I did ponder the idea for a good while. I got to the party late in any case because of Shabbat. And the weather was atrocious- it rained the entire day and night. I also took my new wayfarers that Kinsey and Floe got me, because they were cool and we looked like losers/trendites when we put them on (loser/trendites because there were clearly 2 schools of thought on the matter).
However, the red/white/black combo is definitely a winner.

A pseudo celeb also turned up- one of the intruders from Big Brother. He wanted me to crouch down, so he wouldn't appear so short, but I refused. I told him I knew he was short when I saw him on the television, I detest his kind of celebrity and unfortunately perspective has ruined the shot and we appear the same height.

And I'm tired of having to bend down in photos. It hurts my thighs. The photo below of Deb and I just shows the real difference. I'm a full head taller. AND she is stretching up.

It was a pretty good party all up. Deb sorted us out so well with food and venue. Thanks Deb. The bongo dude even turned up and I got to hear a bit of the saxophonist (who I thought was a saxaphonist).

And I left early, around 12.30. That place was just too hot inside. There was a lot of exclamation about me leaving my party early, but I don't understand what the big deal is. It was just a party. All the important people I see every week. I still don't get it. I also wasn't in such a "let's get smashed" mood. Even though later, the alcohol was clearly having some effects on me (heat, wooziness and dehydration).
I'm sorry I left, but I wasn't being too exciting. I only did about 3 shoulder moves and I wasn't as funny as I usually am (I'm just saying it to make you feel better).

More pics below...

I had to paste open eyes on Nic in this pic, because there were 3 takes beforehand and she had closed eyes in every one

A lot of bending down photos were taken. I'm sick of having to bend down to accomodate short people in photos

I said Drex's ass looked good, so we took a photo

Deb and Kate thought they had hot asses and also wanted photos

It's finally here: The end of Movember

2006-11-29T16:56:00.000-05:00

I can't stand this Movember thing. Especially since the revival of all those 70s/80s movies. Starsky and Hutch, Shaft, Dukes of Hazard...

I understand it is to raise money for cancer, but every tom, harry and dick is doing it and only about 5% of the guys I have spoken to are actually raising money. The other dufii (plural of dufus) are thinking this is a fashion trend and getting on the bandwagon.

The most common Mo I've seen this year is the trucker. It is atrocious. I have heard numerous stories of girlfriends telling their boyfriends if the mo stays, the action goes.

The funniest guys are those who can hardly grow a moustache. Love those ones.
But, the most common ones this year have been any 70s variant or combo of porn star, undercover brother, trucker and box car.
And if I have a meeting with someone who happens to have a mo, I can't take them seriously, at all. Even random people I see on the street who have these crazy moustaches, I just laugh at them out loud.

So to all those I know who have Mos, I am happy to say I will be glad to see it go, come December tomorrow.
To Charlie and Nemes, siyonara to your furry lips. You bastards actually assist in ruining my birthday photos. My birthday not only happens to be on the anniversary of JFK's death, AND onNational Lebanese day (please, dig the knife in deeper), I also have to contend with bloody Movember.
At least Scarlett Johansson has the same birthday as me. A small reprieve.

My birsday

2006-11-28T23:02:00.000-05:00

Oh, it was a fun birthday this year.
Can't believe how close I am to 30. At least the skin is looking tip top. I don't look older than 25.

Dinner was real nice last week. All of my mates went to the Regis Room at the Beach Rd. It was a little hard to swing because they have some dumb rule- "We don't serve a table of more than 15 people after 7.30", so we just split into 2 tables that were side by side. Not a bad effort.

All my favourites were there and it was an excellent finish to a great day (which started with meetinigs at 7.30am). But...my thinkings on birthdays are that it's just another day, so all day I was pleasantly surprised with flowers and treats. Thanks to those that sent them.

I got a present from Tiffanys from everyone which was so nice. I didn't even want to open it, I just wanted to look at the bag and the box all night!

I even had a tantrum at the end of the night, because some dude spilt a bit of wine on my skirt, I lost my tiara and I really just wanted to throw a glass across a table. That was fun too. See, just take the day as it comes.

And then I went home.

Now this week is this party! It's for Deb, Eb, Deb, Deb, Leb, Neb, Steb, Yeb and Boogie. Yay.
If you haven't yet RSVP'd, please send an email to RSVP Peppermint.
Should be some GREAT stories from the night, so stay posted.

Baby love

2006-11-23T00:16:00.000-05:00

We have a new one to add to the list!
A mermaid baby!

I don't know why I love these so much.
Another one to add to my list:
4 legged chicken (link)
2 faced cat (link)
3 armed kid (link)
2 headed snake (link)
2 headed turtle (link)

In my searches for the links, I ended finding a whole repository of all this stuff. Mad!

Oh- and then there was this cool thing. Pictures of animals in the womb. Great!

Revisitation

2006-11-20T18:35:00.000-05:00

I think this is one of the best photos I have of me as a kid, especially considering the current fashion climate.
The outfit is just so ridiculously cool, those boots (I think those were my very first pair of boots...I'm so glad they were moon boots), those jeans. The acid stone wash with the elasticised ankles. I want a pair like that now! That great windbreaker. I love those blue stripes on the arm and the pink zippers make it.
That fringe combined with half pony also rocks my world.

To add to that little fantastic ensemble (thanks Ima for dressing me, although I do definitely remember going mad for those boots), my stance is unbelievable. I own that star and I seem to have been pretty rapt in the idea that it was Elton's.
The fact that I'm not actually looking at the camera and the open mouth (obviously saying something like "hurry the hell up") just makes me think I was already thinking of what I was crap I was going to pull next. You can see the germs of what is my fully fledged character now, were already present back then, starting to unfold to what most of you love to hate today (or is it hate to love?).

This photo is now in a place of honour of my fridge.

It was lucky I saw this photo before I left to the states, because one of my three to dos was:
And now, what do we have?
I was too tall to stand, so I had to kneel.
Grandma is a terrible photographer and she didn't really understand the concept of a digital camera. At first she would just hold it in front of her and just wait for it to take. I kept telling her it was like a regular camera, just press that damn button. But even if she did, I'd get one leg and maybe a hand in the picture. Needless to say, I had to get randoms to take photos for me.

This picture doesn't even come close to the other one (except maybe for my bunny top, the mondrian shoes and my curly hair). At least i'm wearing those "fuck off" sunglasses.

Right after this picture was taken, I did pull some shite. Outside Grauman's Chinese Theatre all these characters are dressed up . You can't talk to them and you certainly can't take photos of them, or you have to pay (or I would have a picture right here). But Chewbacca and some Dementor or something were standing there. Out of the corner of my eye, I see them chatting. Asking each other what the time is, what's happening that night, what shizz is going down. I say to them:

"You can't chat to each other! For God's sake! You ARE ruining my illusion!!"

Next thing, Chewy roars at me, I get such a fright and I jumped back and tripped over Grandma!

In the pic there are double stars on the sidewalk- a new development. I don't like how Hollywood Blvd has run out of room. I think perhaps it's time to remove the has-beens.
I think that maybe in posing, I also tried too hard.

But I'm very much liking this idea of revisiting snaps I've taken years earlier. 18 years is a long long time. I think I'll try go again in another 18. It will kind of be like that Time and again project, where they came back to the same town 20 years later and took photos of the same people, asked them stories about their lives and saw how they changed. At least I'll have this blog to look back on and see what a lunatic I was.

The great Cruise caper

2006-11-17T01:09:00.000-05:00

Where in the hell do I begin??
As usual there was the usual trickery, scamming and tom foolery. There are so many stories, I'm not sure whether to do mini vignettes or bang it out in one big , long post- which just seems wrong.

I'll give some highlights at first and then maybe I'll expand....

Grandma and I
Grandma and I got on famously. I was a bit anxious about the dentures. But after the initial shock all was good.
Everywhere we went, her name became "Grandma". She was quite the character. I could see some gems of smart-assisms, quite clearly a link in the long line of chain of smart ass that has descended into my gene pool.
Grandma did get a little ticked off when I made her pull out the "rock on" signal in most photos. The first one, she thought it was funny, the last one she was a little bit fucked off.

Grandma in the boat safety drill

Grandma rockin it up at Virgin Mega Store, Hollywood Blvd (only rockstars wear sunglasses inside)

The Carnival Pride
This is a boat full of middle American Bogans going on holidays. They are fat, they are loud, they are constantly at the buffet.
My first day on the boat was a little bit of a shock. There is no cash. Everything is in swipecard format. I thought I would be in trouble, but prices were so astronomical that I didn't even try buy alcohol. My strategy was getting people to buy for me (it failed, badly). An hour massage was $150US, a drink was $8US. I'd been hanging out for months for that damn massage. Still haven't had one. Still struggling.

I still had a good time. Sat by the pool every day. Gym for 2 hours every day. Ports were awesome.
I went ziplining and abseiling in Puerto Vallarta. The photos they took were so expensive, I had to take a photo of the photo on the laptop (good trick for everyone for next time).
Parasailing in Cabo San Lucas
Just looking around Mazatlan.

The weather was great and the Mexicans were pretty cool.

I wanted to have a cultured, realistic experience in these towns, and the boat was so artificial and manufactured that I had to do anything I could to get away from them all.

I reckon I would go on a cruise again- but maybe one that wasn't so cheesy and with a lot of friends... I'd also bring my own shipment of alcohol. Even if you buy it duty free in port, the boat security confiscates it and doesn't give it back till you are back in the States so that you spend more on the boat. Bastards.

Other highlights

A gay asian waiter who spoke with a hispanic accent. Think of that dude from the Birdcage, but asian. Strange.
These americans were so fat, one woman was worried that in port she wouldn't be able to come back to the boat for lunch, then afternoon tea, then dinner.
When she sang in the show, I was shocked. I had to close my mouth and think "take a photo for the blog, do it". Didn't come as instinct like it usually does. I thought she was wearing a fat suit. She was the human walrus.

I made friends with the staff. I was inbetween all the demographics on the boat, so at times it was a little tough to find friends. I dressed up on Halloween, in a toga (ie bedsheet off my bed) and raced up to the party on Lido deck. It was like a bull bucking. I lasted 40 seconds before being kicked out.
The security people, who are like Kapos (staff v security), recognised me because they were continually carding me. Apparently I don't look 21. The only thing I was thinking when being escorted out of there "...meh, at least I'll have a good story for the blog."
Gorging myself on a chocolate bar and seeing a massive fat lady whislt doing it....
The guy who made smoked salmon bagels, and great tuna sandwiches- his name was "Imade". I must have said the joke "Your surname is 'Sandwiches'?" about one hundred times.
Really, really, really fat kids.
You know you're in a heavily populated tourist area when there is one of the dickwads making those spraypaint planet paintings. There is one in every bloody city...

On first glance, looking at this picture, I thought "Good on those Mexicans. They got their apostrophe right". On second glance, I realise they tried to shorten "Here it is". Sillyheads. At least the have good accents.

Some moron in LA asking me where I'm from and saying Australia. His response was that he loves my accent and how sad it is that he doesn't have one. I tried to explain to him that, yes, everyone does indeed have an accent. He didn't quite get it.
In general just walking around like I own the place. It's amazing how most people have a tendancy to follow rules. I just don't do that. I was imagining that I would be really good as a staff member on the cruise and then I realised, I just wouldn't be able to follow ANY of the rules. I'd probably last 5 minutes.
But I used to go to whichever dinner I was assigned to, I'd tell staff that whoever "...said it was OK." The only thing that didn't work was that damn staff party.
Seeing this painting, for real!

Seeing toilet paper in Mexico that was like my Mondrian/Rubik's Cube shoes

Seeing this cool Mexican guy who was so trapped in the 70s. You can just hear "Staying Alive" playing in the background.... Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man...

The boat having this environmental policy "please only put towels on the floor if you would like new towels. But remember, it uses a lot of resource to wash towels, so only request new ones if you really need them." But then, every night you go back to your room and on your bedm they've made these dumb animals out of towels. Each animal uses about 3 towels! Then you can go to the boat store and buy the towel making book for $29.99!
Buying a puffa jacket from the JLo line. Because, if you're going to buy a puffa jacket, she will be the one person who gets it right!

No matter who I tried to be cheeky with... everyone felt they deserved to cop a feel! There was this lovely old Jewish man in LA who would not let up. When he said to my Grandmother that he was stealing me as his grand daughter, and when he said I can't leave without giving him a hug and a kiss we knew it was time to go. He fully grabbed me right before we left. It was a little scary.
This guy got a grope for letting me drive his boat...

Tour of the Warner Bros studios. Kicks ASS on Universal. Was a lot of fun.

Hanging out with Handbag in LA. Seeing one of the funniest comedians I have ever seen in my life- he acts like a redneck, talks like a redneck, but explains the comedic devices he is using like he is the Grammar Police. Gold!

That was pretty much it (in a nutshell). Thanks Grandma for the trip!
As I remeber more stories, I'll try post.
Otherwise pics will be on Flickr.

A quick hello

2006-11-06T22:03:00.000-05:00

I'm on holidays.
It's fun. Good Stories. Actually, some great stories.
I love Mexico. LA is pretty cool too.

Can't wait till I get back and upload the doozies. Don't know whether to do one mammoth post or put it in bits. I guess I'll decide on the plane trip back...

See you all soon.

Don't really miss you that much...

Love Wisey
xoxo

An enjoyable weekend

2006-10-22T20:56:00.000-04:00

This weekend was quite busy. Quite frantic. I don't like it like this so much. Shabbat wasn't as do nothing as it usually is. There was a lot of walking and moving around.

Friday night
Went to this dinner at central. The ex chief of Mossad spoke. He was so switched on, so smart. He had that type of dry humour that I just love. The kind when someone asks you a dumb question and the subtext of the response has "fuck off" ringing out from every inflection within the tone and content of the answer. Loved it.
I had to mind half a table at the dinner. A traumatic experience. I managed to get inside the room quite early, undressed to mind a couple of seats and then these nerds just plonk themselves down, directly across from me. The pressure was on. I told them I'm minding seats, but they have that 'get stuffed' nerd mentality of being at the bottom of the pile and needing to fight for their rights (I don't have anything against nerds, I really like them ask anyone how much I love nerds). They tell me "we'll see who gets here first." The bitchy nerd tells me that there are seven of them, I say sorry, need 6, at a table of 12, and I was there first.
Whatever..... in the end, I won. One of my crew was very late, I thought she wouldn't pitch. It could have been that embarrassing situation where you mind a seat and then the person never shows. The nerds kept asking me are you sure someone is coming, blah blah blah. I just said to them: "Well, why would I mind a seat for no one? You aren't that much of a nerd that I have a problem sitting next to you. "

In the end she came and I survived sans embarrassment.

Shabbat
I had to walk to my parents place in the freezing cold weather. Dumb me thought I would be ok in a flimsy cardigan. Blue toes later, I made it there ok. All my family was there for my Dad's 60th birthday. I got him the best present- the last 2 seasons of West Wing. You could actually see him salivate over it as he opened the packaging. He was like an excited little boy for the next few hours after that. I'm buying the best presents lately. It's like I know exactly what you need and I'm bang on the money.
I also played with my little cousins. Around 5 and 3. They are lots of fun. They wore me out. They totally liked me. I got "I want to sit next to Debbie" and at the end they didn't want to go, they wanted me to keep playing with them and they wanted me to babysit. Don't really do that babysitting thing so often anymore... but if they keep me entertained, I'm happy. Plus there was also automatic lap-on (code for sitting on lap, not some dance they do at dancers). You know the deal is closed when that happens.

Saturday night
Nic's birthday at the Beauchamp (pronounced Beach-Ump would you believe?).
Great night.
Lots of drinks.
A ban was lifted.
Met John Foreman. Greenfield saw him and said that this dude looks like John Foreman. So I tap him on the shoulder:

"You know, you look very much like John Fore.... and that's because you ARE John Foreman."

I told him about that whole Andrew G Palaver (it's getting real tired now, but it seems it just won't die). I told little Johnny (he is teeny) to tell Andrew G I'm sorry. I don't hate him that much. I don't even really know him to be honest- he is just too easy to take a stab at.
Funniest part was when I whisper to Jacqui "I have to stand up and see how this pans out" and I towered over the little shrimp. Fun night.

Sunday
Eb moved in. The family came with her to see she got off to a good start ok. It seemed things went well. I showed her how to be Kosher. I showed her the cool stuff at Franklins. It looks like things are going to be mighty fun and I will be saving heaps on my phone bill.
Also went out again for my Dad's birthday.... with exactly the same people who were at us on Shabbat lunch. I had a steak. I like meat. There was a crazy bar mitzvah next door. The kids were making a ruckus. I let them know my disappointment at their behaviour. Not worth the story however.

Oh- and David...it's back on. Seems the waiter who used to be at Red Tomato keeps popping up all over the kosher restaurants in town. He now works at Eliza's. He's like Abba's homo doppelganger. Look at those glasses! TG for mobile camera phones.

And this morning
I was sent a little link- these cute little animations. Great backing tracks.
The best part was realising I'm watching streets of Israel. Cute little movies.
He has other shizz too. Check them out.

Tying up some loose ends

2006-10-19T02:43:00.000-04:00

Well, I finally got my new ring from that dude.
Best of a bad bunch methinks. Still pretty foul, but better than what was.

It's chunk.

More films
Last night I went to see an Inconvenient Truth. Although I had free tix to see World Trade Centre. There was no way I was seeing that crap. So I researched what else was on at the same time, redeemed my tickets and just went to see Al Gore. It was good. A little shock to the system. I'm already changing how I emit my noxious materials.

And while I was waiting for my tickets, who I was lucky enough to bump into? Mr Gunsberg himself. We all remember what hilarity happened a couple months back.
I was a bit tongue tied and when we looked at eachother directly there was a bit of awkwardness. I know he's seen the blog from the site metre. I don't think he remembered me, but I think he just felt "...and where do I know you from."
Me laughing at him probably didn't help matters.

I sent Eb a message. She told me I should dak him. As if I would pull his pants down! I'd get arrested.
Whatever. He saw The Devil Wears Prada. Why? Who knows.
One thing I do know- he uses the word propaganda-tastic. This is not a word Gunsberg.

Kini-Mania
Ever since I saw this leopard print kini in Cleo I have been obsessed with it. After a 4 day obsessive search I have finally located the last one in my size and have it in my posession. However, I feel that perhaps when I see a kini, I often want the body that goes with it... when I say "I want that" I'm totally sucked in by the model that's wearing it. The photos of bikinis with no one wearing them are always so boring.

See what I mean....

Why is it that the girl always gets the blame?

2006-10-17T19:18:00.000-04:00

Last night, I signed my new lease for my apartment.
My flatmate signed it when we first moved in, and since he is moving out, it just transferred to me.

When we first moved in, we told the landlord we were going out. We were a couple. We just thought it would make things a little easier. She wouldn't think there were any wild parties happening and we would just appear more dependable. Not like we aren't, it would just be easier on her assumptions. We all know how middle aged jewish women let their minds run ahead of them (please God don't let me turn out like that....)

Now, my lovely flatmate has been able to buy a place. There is no question of whether I'm jealous or not. He is moving out, I'll miss all 30 minutes I spent with him each week and I know he and his partner will be very happy there.

The punchline- as I was signing the lease last night, the landlord says to me:
"I'm sorry things didn't work out between you and Simon. Let whatever bad energies that are in here, just let them go. Let them go. I'm sure it's hard that he is moving on, but you'll get through it."

Silly cow. She just assumes that he dumped me! Why is it that the girl gets the flak???
I didn't say anything on the contrary, because she has a habit of opening her mouth and not stopping. She already thinks I'm argumentative because I got upset when she wanted to raise the rent. Who wouldn't? It's not like we are totally moving out. It's pretty much the same tenancy.

I just asked her if I look unhappy. I actually feel pretty good these days, you know, the pre-Summer promise and all. She told me I didn't look too good, I actually look a little stressed.

I know I need a massage, but I still can't believe there was no actual dumping and automatically the dumpee was me!

Damn all you Sex and the City type images of women. I am not desperate, I am not dependent on a man and having a man in my life won't make me more of a person than I already am. Why oh why must people continue to act like Mrs Gladys Kravitz style morons?

Happy birthday Nics!

2006-10-16T19:38:00.000-04:00

Today a few of us took Nic out for a surprise birthday breakfast.
Through some clever orchestration, we got her boss to tell her she had a seminar. She needed to arrive at 7.15 for the bloody thing. I can tell you, I'm still tired!
We were a bit worried (well, it was just me really) at first because she was working all weekend on some huge case and I thought she may bail on the "seminar" to do more work.
Not the case.
She made it to Glass. A nice swanky restaraunt in the Hilton.
She was a little bewildered asking what we were doing there. Ally informed her that we were the seminar, and you know, "surprise"!
Had an awesome breakfast. We sat in a booth, I love booths. I want my house to have a booth.

I look like I need at least 12 hours more sleep

And then the waiter, Lalith, brought a little cupcake with a candle. That was fun. When Nic blew out the candle, we all knew what she wished for. It really wasn't that hard...

All in all a good breakfast. Good start to a birthday.
Now she is working late tonight. I commented that if I was her boyfriend, I'd organise to come to her office tonight and bring a picnic dinner. If you're interested, you better get on the case. There isn't much time.

And on the koolanoo crap:
Count is on- 70 views of my profile, 2 comments on my picture, 3 emails, and 10 more requests to add to the network. Although I may have alienated everyone. I wrote "If I don't actually know you, I don't want you on my network". So this may be the end of the requests.
But a warning, there are even Grandmothers on that website...I hope she doesn't pick you up for date!

Could things get any worse? Jewish MySpace hits the town.

2006-10-15T20:35:00.000-04:00

So, mySpace in my opinion, was over before it started.
The idea of kids getting on there, creating a popularity contest, causing a surge on excitement and enabling all the late majority and laggards to get on board.
It's already been referred to as "so 5 seconds ago". The same with podcasting. I knew that would never take off.

Now...there have been tonnes of niche social network sites created.
There is Livemansion which is a virtual community of people who are helping to create a movie called Live Mansion. People from the community will eventually star in it, write it, direct it, be tech crew in it. Sounds like the only people who will be seeing it will be the people involved and their friends. Not bad, already 700,000+ people are on it.

There's mog. The music network. This actually serves a purpose. I like it. Although I don't have much to write about anymore. And Tybees writes the best posts.

Now we have the Jewish myspace. koolanoo.com. Nice choice of name. It means "all of us" and in true jewish spirit there are some token asians on there.

So I wonder how long this will last? It will probably take off. I see what's going to happen- eventually it will just be a free JDate. Here is the end of that and all those other websites.

The ads are disgusting (here have low sound with that one, not really work safe, here), full of obvious sexual references. Thanks to the Israelis who made them. Always the same type of formula in their ads.

So, I've been a member on it for 1 hour. I already have 6 emails, 4 requests for friends and one random comment on my picture. Trust jews to be totally OCD.

There is even a little window for those who are "Koolanoo celebs". Basically in true mySpace style they are aiming to have the most 'friends' on their network. Pretty lame considering they will never contact more than 10 of those people.

Let's see how this little doozie goes.

The Ring!

2006-10-12T01:39:00.000-04:00

Well, work has been a bitch. Haven't been able to write in a while.

However- I finally got my options to exchange that shitty jewellery from JCA.

I don't know why they've flipped on their sides like that. Can you guess which one I chose??

And in my phone news. I managed to borrow someone's snazzy Nokia 6230i. I'll be taking happy snaps all over the place.

Everything is shaping up nicely....

Small talk is and always will be cumbersome

2006-09-28T03:08:00.002-04:00

The other week I had the supposed pleasure of seeing an acquaintance. Hadn't seen them in a while. In some ways it was nice to catch up find out what they were up to.

Though, the thing was they told me exactly the same shite the last time that I'd seen them, however many months ago. I'd totally forgotten all of it, this refreshed my memory, and we probably had exactly the same conversation as we did then.

I'm clearly not having that great bond or connection with them as I do with other people. I don't dislike them, there is nothing I have against them. We just can't hold a conversation. But, next time I see them should I bother to have the same twice-practiced chat?

Did I ever have the initial small talk chat with the people who I do choose to see on a weekly basis? How was it that I connected instantly with them and not with other people? What shifted the friendship from small talk into more concrete kind of stuff?
Or, is it that I never had the small talk conversations with them? They just weren't necessary. Ever.

And it isn't as if I dislike meeting new people either. At my crazy industry parties, you can often find me going up to random people and having crazy conversations. There was the story of Rocky the Stripper (mid act). Even at the dentist yesterday, where they made me wait 40 minutes for a 15 minute appointment (yes there was a cheeky repartee between the dentist and I), I managed to have a lovely chat with an elderly lady. Who, by the by, also happened to have the most youthful looking feet I have ever seen for an old person (she was wearing sandals).

She told me how as soon as she gets to the dentist, she begins to shake. I told her it's silly to worry, and it isn't scary at all. She was expecting bad news. I told her, worry once she knows, no point worrying beforehand when you don't even know. Then she asked me my star sign and gave me a reading. That was fun.

But these people- instant conversation. And none of that boring stuff. Usually I wouldn't give the old lady the time of day, but I'm going on that cruise with grandma, so I need practice.

I usually head the other way when I see a small talk conversationalist in my midst. But now, I think I'm going to confront them head-on about our issue. Maybe it can be fixed.

The high holy day shule experience

2006-09-24T21:35:00.000-04:00

I don't know why, but there is nothing better than telling someone that they are sitting in your seat on Rosh Hashana, or Yom Kippur.

I don't where the gratification comes from in telling someone to vacate, but I can clearly remember walking up the stairs on Day1/Day 2 and hoping for someone to be there. Wierd... it's like some elitest mind trip.

Unfortunately there was no one in my seat. Or fortunately, I can't tell.
But I was surrounded by very talkative hungarian old ladies. One look from mine evil eye, with eyebrow raised and they were hushed into silence. Pure power.
It also comes from being the page helper. I'm the one in my section who always knows what page were on.

The worst thing on chag, is trying to get out of shule once it's all over. I don't know why people persist to stand in the aisles and not actually move. I tried some tactic- move closer to someone so they get the hint and MOVE...didn't really work and when she decided to backtrack and literally step under me, I apologised. You know, that sort of reverse/sarcastic/unbelievable apology? And what does she do??????? She tells me i'm OK! Last time I'm pulling that apology.

All in all was a good RH. I managed to work on the tan inbetween eating and praying and everyone who supplied me with mags for the lockdown, I'm very appreciative.

My week of free stuff (last week)

2006-09-22T03:01:00.000-04:00

My first premiere wasn't all it cracked up to be.
We got to walk down the red carpet, I got free posters, giant sneaker keyrings (basically a sneaker on a keyring) and when I wanted the Spark plugs, the chick from Hooters looked at me like I was insane and wouldn't give me them!

We were trying to wait in the lobby so we could talk to Will and John. They kept herding people away. So we got in the longest line ever for the Candybar. No intention to buy anything, I just wanted to hang.
Once they caught on to us jumping from back of the line to back of the line, we went to hide in that lolly arcade. We pretended to fil up the bag with sweets. Every time the manager came over we had to look busy. It was so silly.

I went through huge conflicts. First it was getting in the longest queue deliberately. So very unlike me. Then it was going for a seat or waiting for Will? Do I go upstairs to get a seat? Waiting for Will Ferrell who I probably wouldn't be able to talk to, would mean I miss out on a good seat for the movie. What to do?

And I strangely felt so naughty hiding in the lolly arcade. We would have hid in the toilets, but those George St cinemas are so disgusting.

We finally got caught and got shooed upstairs. We're walking into the nice, D grad celeb filled cinema and they tell us to piss off. We're in the cinema for all the plebs!

We went in. Will came in. John came in. We shouted at him to sing Mr Cellophane but he didn't hear. It was pretty much a non event. Anchorman was so much funnier. I was reading a review on the weekend and they gave it 4 stars?? Can't believe it. A case of peer pressure if I've ever seen one.

Other free stuff was that ring from JCA. And I still haven't heard back on my exchange...
And WHO magazine gave me the first season of Entourage. Not bad in a day's work!
When I'm done with that, I'll be selling that on eBay.

Well it's started hasn't it?

2006-09-22T02:01:00.000-04:00

It's Rosh Hashana this weekend.

My inbox is full of group Shana Tova messages.
My phone keeps beeping for texts (and it's a shit beep, I have that old phone).

They are all shitty blanket group emails or blanket text messages from people wishing the whole freaking world their Shana Tova wishes.

Is it a guilt thing? The thought process goes something like this:
"I can't possibly speak to you all, but hey, you're in my phone/address book for a reason, let's send everyone a blanket text to know that I still exist."

I don't want them. I find them totally pointless.
Isn't Rosh Hashana meant to be about really reflecting on your year. Looking at your growth, your relationships and connections with people and properly assessing all of the above?
These blanket sentiments just don't cut it. They actually make me feel ill.

I admit I used to do it too, but my year away was a long time ago. I'm not about making fairy floss dreams and shiny happy people anymore. If you want to write me a message, if you want to make it a nice new year, make it sincere, make it mean something. Otherwise, I'd rather you didn't...

I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but...

2006-09-18T20:25:00.000-04:00

Last week was JCA.
I lost my phone at JCA.

I booked online and was lucky enough to win one of the prizes.
When the lovely people told me that I'd won a prize, they couldn't remember which one. I made sure to tell them that I hoped it was the Cosabella stuff.

However...it wasn't any of these was it?
Last night, after a bit of soft bitching (as opposed to hard bitching) about how I still hadn't gotten my prize, it came.
It looks like this:

Need I say more?

...but I will.

It's bright blue, it's plastic. Or glass. I don't really know. Looks like plastic. At least the nail polish looks good!
Would be nice if that chunky blue stone was a diamond, but the metal is plated so that wouldn't work either.
Probably would also be nice if it was an engagement ring. But if that was the case, I'd be happy with the $2 tombola from the corner store*.

It's almost worse that I got it. Now, I have to go to the store and ask if I can swap it for something that suits my tastes, my sophisticated tastes, so much better (this would be anything not plastic or plated).
If I hadn't won anything, I wouldn't have to schlep up there at all.

In all honestly, it's not that bad. This little saga is going to give me 2 blog entries (at least). I'll probably go to the place and find something so kitsch that it's good. It does happen.

*said in jest

Drunken benders et al

2006-09-18T01:44:00.000-04:00

In some ways I wish it was this drunk Bender (he is the funniest robot I know), that I'm talking about.

It was more a week of this kind of drunk bender:

On Wednesday night, work took me out (and some others) for dinner. I am the golden child, so it was all about Me, Me and more Me.
It was a lot of fun. Some gossip was dropped.
But silly me filled up on all the entree of pizza, not knowing there was more excellent goodness to come.
So then I had to sit there watching everyone else eat while I just kept on drinking. So no real biggie there.
The biggest thing that happened was that I gave my clickr away to someone who deserves it more than I do. Plus the thing was one of the stupidest/dumbest/lamest ideas I have ever gotten into my head.

Then on Thursday night I went to Dancers in the Cross. This is a strip club. And I wasn't going there randomly, it was a work function with Ralph magazine. There were a couple clients there, so I ventured out. When there are photos, I'll let you know...

Was full of men, ugly/strippy/tarty women, and then my drunk friends women. We had fun.
It was a night of card tricks, poker, blackjack and stealing chips from the croupiers. I handed my card out like it was a bag of Country Mints...there was also a lot of vagina, but I tried to steer well away from that.
However the Vagina part did come in helpful when there were some gratuitous shots of Lindsay Lohan that flashed across my screen on Friday (warning- not work safe). Being desensitised to vagina viewing made it a lot less difficult.

I chatted to one of the strippers- Rocky, mid pose. Her chest and elbows were on the floor, the rest of her body was entangled upwards, on the pole behind her. I had a discussion with her about being treated purely as an object (not me, her). It was quite interesting. She takes it as an art form and it also keeps her ass in tip top condition.
I'm surprised we didn't talk tupperware.

By the end of the night I was so hammered. The midget that was running around stopped freaking me out. At 1am, the free party ended and the clothes really came off. That was my signal to get out of there.

Most intriguing part of the night was when I bumped into someone I know, around that 1am mark. He disappeared quite quickly, so I went to find him to say hi. At the moment of approach he was mid deal to go into one of the back rooms. I have since been educated it was only a lap dance, but still. It has to be pretty embarrassing. I'm sure he wasn't expecting to see me there.

Next morning...probably a hangover as bad as the night I lost my phone. Except no pounding headache. Miracles occurred in getting myself up and dressed to be at work by 8.30am. I couldn't lift my feet higher than 1cm off the ground and there wasn't enough berocca to fix me.

I have hung up my drinking glass, till at least....I don't know....at least Wednesday.

Shitty pun of the week

2006-09-12T19:14:00.000-04:00

Oh, poor Adriana Xenides.
The ex Wheel of Fortune host has really let herself go these days. Look at this picture. She has just ballooned.

She has lost her licence for 18 months. Reckless driving. They even got Baby John to testify as a character witness.

Well, last night I was watching the late News on Channel Ten. They're pretty cheeky bastards.
Deborah Knight, straight faced:

"Ex Wheel of Fortune host, Adriana Xenides, won't be behind the wheel for a very long time."

So bad, it's almost good.

My afternoon of free lottery tickets

2006-09-12T03:28:00.000-04:00

The other day I found $2.
Not on the floor in my place, or in a pocket. I literally found a random $2 in the street.

I thought "cool", I though "bitchin' ", I thought "I'm going to see how far I can take this $2"

So I went and bought a lottery ticket. A $2 scratchie.

At first I was one hotdog off $100K.
There was innuendo exclaimed at this point, around my office, when I exclaimed I was one hotdog off 100 Grand.
And then, I got 3 caps and won $3.

So it was straight back to the Newsagent for me.

I got another $2 and and a $1. But I had to pay 10 cents for the damn one dollar scratchie. It wasn't even for GST. It was agency fees! What a rort (the spelling of this word still confuses me by the way).

From this, the scratchie chain pretty much died. I got one more $1 free scratchie and that was it.

I lost 10 cents! All that garbage and I actually LOST money.

It also got me thinking. I instantly ran back to the newsagent to re-gamble my $3. If I had gotten that other hotdog, would I just as quickly have run back to regamble my $100,000?

I probably would have been a good jew, invested it in a couple of guaranteed stocks and bonds...doubled my money in no time, put a deposit on a house......done some charity work....what else do jews do with money?

A slice of retro

2006-09-11T02:23:00.000-04:00

Meet my new phone.
Remember these babies?
These were cool right before the camera phones came out.

It's so prehistoric (for a phone it is) that I don't know how to navigate it. The user friendly traits only came in with the colour, bigger screens.

The ringtones are so intensely annoying. MIDI files are the worst invention known to man.
And it's so old that it doesn't have a silent mode. You can turn the ringer off. But no silent mode.
So messages beep real loud and the keypad beeps.

And I just realised, if someone calls me and I forget to do silent, I can't press that magic silent button. Nor do I have a "reject" function.
When it happens, and I know it will (knowing me), the whole room will have to endure the incessant ring tone until it goes to voice mail.

Despite all the phone dramas, I can now start afresh with a new list. I can replace my phone which had a huge crack in it anyway (which makes me wonder why the taxi driver went off with it. It doesn't even have a camera for god's sake). One good thing did happen this week. I finally changed my light bulb which I thought was stuck in the fitting. It only took me 8 months. Go me.

A telegram from Western Union

2006-09-10T02:07:00.000-04:00

Last night, big night STOP
Got very drunk STOP
Took Clickr out STOP
Was lame STOP
Martini club awesome STOP
Lost phone STOP
Wish I'd lost Clickr STOP

A bitchin' movie = a bitchin' soundtrack???

2006-09-07T21:43:00.000-04:00

Last night I think I saw the best movie I have ever seen (well in a long time anyway).
I saw Brick.
A film noir gang style movie set in a modern day high school.
The characters spoke in that olden day manner. I didn't get all of it, but I got enough to get by. It was great.
The cinematography was great. The acting- great. The plot line- great. A really well thought out movie from every angle.
I was sitting on the edge of my seat at times. Gripping onto my drink. Holding my breath.

Movies rarely do this. I'm a cynic. A non believer. I'd say in my whole life maybe 2 or 3 have had such an effect on me.

In previous experience, great movies have always had great soundtracks. I give you The Royal Tenenbaums. I give you the Big Chill. I give you Momento, Eternal Sunshine...Requiem for a Dream, Reservoir Dogs- the list goes on. All great films.
For more, there is a pretty good list of good movies here

I was once given the Grey's Anatomy soundtrack. Strangely a couple of those songs are doozies. I was well impressed. It is a great show anyway. The show also features some pretty good songs too. Not your general crap variety that I know the OC plays (which I never have nor never will see)...they really venture out into the tasteful arrangement.

But I am positive Brick has some good tracks. I went to look in IMDB. They had a couple songs. Not many. I'm sure there were more than that. Then google helped me out...http://www.myspace.com/bricksoundtrack.

It's good. You even hear voiceover.

There are 40 tracks on the CD. That is a shitload. I want to buy it. I'm going to buy it.

So is this proof. Do all great movies have a great soundtrack?

Another one for my repository - A 4 legged chicken

2006-09-06T23:08:00.000-04:00

This shit happens way too often.

Chicken's name is Jack-Peg-a-leg.

I now have a list of:
2 faced cat
3 armed kid
2 headed snake
2 headed turtle

This is getting a little too much.

I'm psychic and not ashamed

2006-09-06T20:27:00.000-04:00

I've always had a good intuition. Never really phased me and just trusted my instincts.

There were a few good ones to remember:

Having a sense of my nieces names, or the phonetics of the name, before they were named...quite freaky (2 were exact, 2 were similarities and the last one was a failure;4 out of 5 aren't bad).
Having a feeling to buy a lottery ticket and winning $40. Not $1million, but better than nothing!
Being asked predictive questions in meetings and responding in the blink of an eye the colour of a next magazine cover (spot on) and a statistic (again spot on). They told us if we guessed the right statistic we would get a prize. I got it bang on and NO PRIZE! You can't do that. Does being psychic mean I cheated??

Lately I've been doing this thing where I ask people to think of a number between 1 and 10. They need to look at me, into my eyes, the entire time and then I guess their number. I've done it 3 times and been bang on target. I have a rating of three for three and need to be in the right mood when doing it.
But this is more about reading people. Getting their body language.
Half the trick though is getting them to follow your body language. You can basically control the situation and get them to choose the number you're thinking of. It's hard to explain, but it works! I got it from this magician, Criss Angel.
I got home late one Saturday night, and this guy was doing mind reading tricks and partially revealing how he does it. Fun.
Even if all the other stuff is lame, this trick is phenomenal.

Oh happy, HAPPY day

2006-09-05T20:56:00.000-04:00

Today in the mail, I received my long awaited Clickr!
A friend works at Lynx and I've been begging him for one for months.

The questions of all questions now...
Firstly- you wonder what got one click already?
Second- what in god's name am I going to start clicking for?

The choices are endless, the possibilities numerous.
It is going to be a fun Spring/Summer, this has made it even more fun. Not only will I be going out with my camera in tow everywhere I go, the Clickr will be making its appearance too.
Get acquainted now, you shall be seeing her out soon.

In other stuff...
Last week Katie R and I went to the Dolly Teen Choice Awards. I wasn't going to blog it because it was pretty lame, but the clickr post was so short I needed to supplement.

It wasn't that exciting. Grade G celebs. Lots of Big Brother people. There were fun pre drinks that lasted for 20 minutes before the bar went into lock down. We were basically forced to watch the awards because everyone knows when faced with being in an auditorium full of screaming girls, or being at an open bar, everyone chooses open bar!
I think I bitched about every presenter during the ENTIRE awards show. I don't think I stopped for 2 minutes. Except maybe when I went to the bathroom.
It's good I forgot my camera. Who knows what lowest lows I would have sunk to on that night.

And post. Forget after party. Bar was still in lockdown. I don't know where the afterparty was and no one told me because I'm not even a Grade G celebrity. So I went home and had another fight with a taxi driver which is happening more often that not these days.

And Bing-O was his name-O

2006-08-30T19:15:00.000-04:00

I don't know what the Australian obsession is with shortening words and then closing it off with "o".

For example we have:
Document --> Doco
Presentation --> Preso
Magazine --> Mago
Wine --> Vino
Reconciliation --> Reco
David --> Dave-o
Jacqui --> Jaco

and the other day, there was this new one to add to my collection

Balcony --> Balco

I swore I would never do it. Way too Yobb--O for me. But when you're working with yoks around you all day, Pres--O and Doc--O happen to slip themselves in.

I've failed.

I also swore when talking about work, I would never say "We've just done this", or, "We just got ourselves a new whatever."
It would always be "My work has..." or "Where I work, they've...", it's a more disassociative phrasing, a me vs them type of thing, don't get too attached, keep work life as seperate as possible.
I've slipped into that too.

I feel so ashamed.

On the lighter side of life, my brother and his wife gave birth to a baby girl this morning. Mazels all round!
Hello niece number 5!

My pear has cancer!

2006-08-24T18:59:00.000-04:00

Fruits and vegetables get tumours too!
I was eating my pear and stubmled across this benign growth. It's a little bit scary. I mean, it IS cancer. A patch of abnormal cells amongst all those normal ones.
It's a freak of nature.

I've even seen oranges with malignant spreads.

And, I sometimes even eat the cancers. You never know- it might be a delicacy. Most of the time they're just woody and gross. No real flavour. A whole lot of nothing.

You think all the apples in the same bushel get cancer? Something in their environment has caused the growth? Or it's just the one freak apple in the bunch?
Scientists could probably do a lot of studies on cancerous fruit. Look at the genetic makeup or somefing.

apple and Stage 2 growth

I think I would just love to see an E.R. style show but with fruits and vegetables. They would get those usual sicknesses, the same dramas would happen. Grey's Anatomy may be a better format actually.
They would all plucked right out of the Muppets Singing Food repertoire. Far out- they even have a profile on Muppet Wiki.
Would be pretty similar to that whole toothbrush gang. Man, I loved the toothbrush gang. And that's not the right link. If anyone can find that cartoon of all the different bathroom characters, I'll be indebted to you forever. And they weren't drawn. They were real objects with faces stuck on the most appropriate part of them that would suffice as a head.

I don't know who, but thank you

2006-08-23T20:58:00.000-04:00

I don't know who I was talking to the other week, about the fabulous new movie "Thank you for smoking", but this morning I was mailed free, yes FREE, tickets!

Thanks!

umm, Did I also mention I really want to see Snakes on a Plane??

I don't know how in the hell I got on that mailing list and I definitely don't have any complaints.

Hang on one red hot second. On closer inspection it was for LAST weekend! My whole world has come tumbling down pretty quick.

No real problem though - a quick phone call to the Promotions Manager sorted that one out. Let's see what other goodies he's going to give me!

For a limited time only....

2006-08-22T21:53:00.000-04:00

Go look at this video

I shan't regret it.

More shitty puns

2006-08-20T22:45:00.000-04:00

I just got invited to this party, Stars behind bars.
I wish they would really put these 'Stars' behind bars!

One guy from Melbourne's claim to fame is that he is a "personality"!
That's it?!
What a wank.

And not to mention the name of this party is a shitty pun.

I hate puns.

Death by terror or death by boredom?

2006-08-12T06:28:00.000-04:00

Which is a worse fate?

All this palaver with the aeroplanes is like some over protective parent brining in the reins in a totally irrational manner.
Qantas has a list of items banned to travel to the UK and the US.
I do understand the threat of terrorists attacks, but please, no magazines, no books, no food (here comes a starvation diet on my trip to Mexico)?
And is this finally the thing Microsoft needed in its quest to stave off the iPod sales figures?

It doesn't really make any sense. If you think about it, if you can put a bomb in your hand luggage, you can put a bomb in the hold too. A passenger on a plane would be in close enough proxmity (I reckon) to detonate the thing.
I wonder if writing this stuff gets me on some Government watch list?

BoingBoing was also mentioning that in US and British airports, authorities were pouring all confiscated liquids into large vats. So, even if the contents were explosive, mixed together in the same vat would surely be enough to cause some sort of reaction. Obviously someone is on the ball.

It's just getting a little ridiculous. 5 year old kids aren't allowed toys and coming from Australia I certainly don't want to have to sit on a 30 hour journey with my passport to read. I've engineered my travel kit to perfection and now it's all shot to shit.

Surely there has to be some better solution.

Back from the dead

2006-08-10T18:43:00.000-04:00

Yes. I was meant to be taking a little break from this blogging adventure.
Some shite has happened (as always), none of it really bloggable. I think it has more to do with the fact that I can't be bothered so I choose it to not be bloggable.
I like this word- bloggable.

Some highlights included me having further allergic reactions, or a sty in the eye, my eye puffing up and choosing to wear an eyepatch out on the town to alleviate the hassle of needing to open and close my eye. Aye aye me maties.

However, this is not the reason for this blogging. The reason for this blogging is that there are a lot of babies occurring at the moment. They are popping out from everywhere. I brought up that old story of a baby being born on the plane means 2 things for the baby:

Free air travel for life from that airline
An international passport, granting you passage, work status and pseudo citizenship to any country on the planet.

I did some research. Came up with nothing. Does anyone know of any thing which makes this true? At all?

I would really like to know.

Love and hugs

Wisey

I give up

2006-08-02T07:55:00.000-04:00

I don't know what's happened.
I can't even speak english anymore. I've forgotten all my words, I don't know how to structure sentences and I just don't make any sense.

I blame you damn magazines. With your dumb puns and your terrible gossip stories you have driven me to insanity. And I don't even read the articles! I have too many magazines, I only look at the pictures!

I think it also has to do with the fact I'm limited for time and just want to bang out blogs.
I can't do it anymore, it's exhausting and I'm confusing myself.

I love it when this happens and I decide to take a break, because it automatically (by default) brings on the excitement. Let's hope that this little cocky anecdote doesn't jinx it.

Blogging Vanity

2006-07-31T18:51:00.001-04:00

I know I've been quiet for a while. Sorry.
I have a lot of posts floating around my head and not only is it hard to find the time to blog these days, I have to choose which has priority over the others.

This one is going to be a 3 parter methinks.

Blogging Vanity
A new term I have devised. After the recent run ins with Killoggs I realised they Googled me to get to me. I feel it's a tad vain to google yourself or your blog into Google and see what you get. Partnered with doing this in Technorati, sitemeters, blogshares, comment counters and whatever else is out there it all seems people are wrapped up in their blogs in a manner close to obsession.
People are even dreaming about what to post. I take my camera out with me in the hope that something cool will happen and I can blog it (in the meantime I am getting a rad collection of photos).
The level of discussion that goes into blogs is getting a little scary too. The sad part is, it's really only our demographic that is blogging. I've seen the stats. Not many other social groups have the same excitement for blogs as we do. I have to stop and realise that people aren't strange if they have never heard of the term 'blogging'. Because, gee, it's only been around for about , what? -12 years!

Patterned + colourful stockings are foul and an ad is giving me nightmares.

Again, I apologise for these sins before our eyes. This visual abuse. Further to the wedge debate, I have realised the obsession with patterned stockings is one of horror and error. The horror is almost that of that Quit ad for smoking. That woman with mouth cancer is giving me nightmares. If it comes on, I have to leave the room. It reminds me of when I was younger and got scared of scary movies, so I stopped watching them. The other week, some clever person wanted me to watch The Ring with them because it's that scary (in a good way??). They didn't understand when I said no 500 times, that no, I really did not want to watch it and subject myself to it.
This ad is also on so early, around 7pm. Kids have to be getting scared of this. A good tactic I suppose.

Putting this pic here means I won't be coming back to my blog until there are enough posts to get this image off the front page

So the horror of that, links to the horror of stockings. Mismatching is cool is some arenas. But these stockings are just foul. Almost any patterned stocking does not work. The only pair that is almost fine, is the zebra pair. There is nothing more that I can say except that the others just look like mistakes. They are mistakes. Just because you hear some person, or read some article about "what's hot right now" doesn't mean that they are ok to wear.

Microsoft has a stab at their own MP3 player- The Zune
Ok. Big Mistake with that name.

"What is that?"
"Oh that. That's my new Zune"

It just sounds completely wrong. A shocking combination of Zen and iTunes. Good work marketing buffs. You have really nailed this one. Can't wait to see the ads when they come out. What will you choose instead of Jet's Are you gonna be my Girl?
Wolfomother's Mother?

How Jon Hillcock made my day

2006-07-27T22:50:00.000-04:00

At work, a few of us have gotten into listening to X-FM.
It airs out of the UK, so when we listen it's from Midnight to 6am.
The DJ- Jon Hillcock plays some pretty good tunes. You should listen.

Anyway, Jon does shout outs if you email him. Eb asked me if I wanted him to do a shout out, of course I say yes.
Then we wait, and I'm getting all excited when it comes to the shout out part and he only mentions Eb!

You know that feeling when you are 100% expecting something to happen and it doesn't? It was like the rug was pulled out from under my feet! I was really disoriented.

I took action- I wrote to all parties involved:

Subject: I lost my thrill from Blueberry Hill

So Eb says to me "You want me to get that guy from X-fm to do shout outs for us?"

And I get all excited and exclaim "Yeah. Yeah! That would be great. Do it."

So she CCs me on this email, then we hear you do shout outs and I'm excited with anticipation and all happy about the music that you play, because, it's just great.
But then all sad that you didn't include me on the shout out with Eb...

Much love,

Sad Wisey.

Then he says: I just got a very funny email from Wisey in Australia. I'll be reading it out after the next song.

Song finishes, he sets up the email then reads it out in this crap Australian accent and then all these people (a total of 4) write in to him telling him he was either crap or good.

Then he was all worried that I may be British!

Who the fuck cares?! Some dude on the other side of the world thinks I'm funny. He dedicated a song to us (Goodbye penny) and my thrill has been found again!

Oh so easy to make me happy!

Over-reacting reactors

2006-07-24T19:18:00.001-04:00

wise·crack (w.z'kr'k') Slang
n.

A flippant, typically sardonic remark or retort. See Synonyms at joke.

intr.v. wise'cracked, wise·crack·ing, wise·cracks

To make or utter a wisecrack.

wise'crack'er n.

There seems to be some confusion with the terms wisey and wisecrack. If anyone is still struggling, dictionary.com, is a good resource.

Matisyahu last night
This guy is awesome! I was surprised.

Having an excellent vantage point, I managed to take a pic of the set list.

A few thoughts and observations (some funny, some not) went through my mind as the night progressed:

The show was sold out, I knew the jews would do their bit, I was surprised in the end that they didn't take up the whole room. It almost felt like I was at a Jew party. Each jew checking out the others for fresh meat.
The look of arrogance on Matisyahu's face when he looked out into the packed crowd, but which I later realised was wrong and was infact an immense sense of pride.
Tonnes of non jews totally getting into songs about Zion, Jerusalem and Hashem. But really getting into it.
Why were Chassidic jews there during the 3 weeks? Drinking even. And why was one wearing a zoot suit?
Why when a Jew gets famous (especially a religious one) is it all on for young and old? I saw my bubbe, your zaide and your cousin's Tatty there. Shloimie's mother was trying to scalp a ticket outside. And they weren't happy, especially your zaide. He had to stand for a full 90 minutes and he wasn't so fond of the Rastaman chant.
After that beatboxing on Jimmy Kimmel, I was really excited for it. I took a video of the whole thing. It was shit. I'm glad I took a video of something else.

Welcome Killoggers

2006-07-20T23:06:00.000-04:00

Hello Killoggers.

So, you've found me.

But, Bendy has known for a while. I'm one of his top 30 referrals methinks. It's pretty strange. Also pretty awkward.

That thing you saw happened a long time ago. I've grown up a lot since then. I'm more confident in my blogging abilities. I'm also not so scared of you guys. I know that you're quite chic-geek-cool over there in your global blogging community and when various losers try to participate and connect with you guys, you shut 'em down. I've seen people do it, I've looked on in horror, knowing what's about to happen.

I don't look at Killoggs as much as I used to. But once upon a time, you were a great source for wierd news and cool shite going on in your lives. I dreamed about being let in, but since then, I've moved on.

I think you've almost become what you despise. The picking on others who are excited enough to just want to participate in a community as virtual and as tight knit as yours... I can't and no I won't be a a part of that.

But, hi. And Bendy, keep up the good work. Marty, Eb, Fern and I are loving them. Even some of the new recruits.

Also, also. Go check out my mog. Great post there from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Pheremones V Allergic Reactions

2006-07-18T00:43:00.000-04:00

Well, again it was a great weekend.
I had to do some work on the weekend and I took a laptop home instead of going back into the city. I also managed to hack into someone's wireless network. Even though I have an IT degree, this is no mean feat. Thank you porteusnet in Rose Bay.

As a result, I think the karma leprechaun came to get me and on Monday morning, I had a massive allergic reaction to god knows what. I had to run to the doctor and check I wasn't dying. It was funny, because in the morning I was thinking about my lips v Angelina Jolie's lips. I was thinking how unique hers are and mine are ok, but they could be so much puffier. Then all of a sudden I get a tingly feeling in my lip and it started to puff up. It was only on the left side of the bottom lip and little did I know this was the first sign of the allergy, but I was excited- Mind over body. It works!

Come half an hour later my hands had these wierd swollen white blotches. My legs were covered too. It was itchy and I was in a meeting, which I bolted from. You could see in the picture, the hand on the left is all lumpy. Yum!

It's all gone down now. I'm on cortisone and hard core antihistamines. It will take a while before we pinpoint what the actual cause was. I have a fair idea of what it could be, but nothing like soap or new hand cream or anything like that.

Saturday night was also amusing. Big Happy Birthdays to "she's out of control" Nadine and "starting a new job again" Kate.

I'm not sure if the jacket I was wearing had anything to do with it, but the pheremones were running wild. There was some interest, I had some interesting chats with a couple of people and some wagers which were incredibly fruitful (all 4 seconds of my winnings). They were all very entertaining and they all ended on Saturday night.
Happy now?
The word "trouble" blared into my ear on several occasions was also not appreciated.

Even the taxi driver on the way home, Viktor, wanted to get in on the action. He was enquiring about our night. Frenchie was explaning how the party was full of so many women. Viktor wanted to know why Frenchie had only brought Nic and I home with him.
This continued for a while.
I said Viktor was amusing.

I got his name and his number to post here so you could call him and experience the wonderment that is Viktor. However, being dropped off first, I only found out afterward that Viktor asked the others for my number, so that he could:
"...give her a hard time and find out how she went with it all"

With it?? What is it?

Thanks Viktor.

As Frenchie explained to me, "he wanted to give her a 'hard time' the next morning, something to do with the fact that she was denying she was picking up guys by the dozen and leaving them hanging with their tails between their legs!"
He's quite right, I do deny it and for good reason.

All in all, things are pretty good. That black cloud (which I never wrote about) has somehow dissipated. It seems it is a bit of a global phenomenon- friends from around the world were complaining of the same dumb cloud.
I realised every year at this time things get a little bit depressing for no known reason. But, as soon as I realise that it goes away. But now, who knows what's wrong with me?? I was walking home from the ferry with a massive smile on my face after an incredibly manic day.
Sometimes I wonder if the big goofy smile is worse than the cloud? You can always spot a person on the street that you automatically dislike who is smiling for no reason. Depressed people just fit in to the background better.

And what the hell is this? I've slipped into a Meredith Grey style epilogue. I can hear that concluding Full House music in the background. The end of another saga is concluding and all the ends have nicely tied up into one complete blog entry.

Good night Australia...

Post No. 100

2006-07-13T18:43:00.000-04:00

Hi kids!!
I will write a post about the weekend (I know you sickos ALL want to hear about that, I saw who looked at my Blog today!), I will write a post about the current sit-U in Israel as is my duty and I will write about the strange rash and outbreak I suffered from this morning. But, right now there is important news to be told!

Jie Jie gets a pet!
I was so excited when that boy Jie Jie was born. I was very upset when they cut off his third arm. There is a video of him in action here.
However, BIG HOWEVER, a cat has been born with one head, yet 2 faces! Unbelievable. It's like Blinky from the Simpsons knew ALL along.

Stewie the Hero
I love Family Guy.

I often speak of the lookalike who catches my ferry. Speaking of him, I had a chance to take a picture of him the other day. I happened to have my camera and he was there. However when I was about to get off, he stepped right infront of me and I couldn't very well take a photo then. I just resorted to bursting out laughing in his face. He was there again today, I was ready, but couldn't do it.
So, back to the drawing board.

But back to Family Guy. Stewie is a demi god. I love his humour, his cynicism, his intellect and of course bold arrogance. He is almost me, bar the football head.

So when this stumbled across my path he only travelled further up the path of my utmost respect for the writers and creators of the being that is Stewie. Kudos to Ben for passing this on to me and strength to strength for the Grammar Police.

Test of Time, Chasers and Wine

2006-07-12T18:36:00.000-04:00

Well, I went to Time Magazine's Test of Time Trivia last night. It was lots of fun. Little show bag on arrival, great nibblies and drinks.
But the pressure was definitely on. There were 6 of us and we each had to learn the last 3 issues of the Magazine, plus we each had our own special issue to know. Mine- Style and Design of course.

The best part of the whole night was that we were sitting right infront of our hosts- The Chaser dudes, Craig Reucassel and Chris Taylor, who my team and I heckled the entire night.
I was a bit worried that we were annoying them too much, but after asking them about 6 times if we were (in a drunken state), they assured me all was ok.

Besides coming fifth (out of 11) a lot of other stuff happened too....

1. A while back, some guy tried to pick me up. His claim to fame was that he was "that Chaser guy's brother". I love the Chaser, always been a big fan ever since The Election Chaser and CNNNN Live. So when he told me that I was pretty excited, but then again he was only the dude's brother and really, what type of pick up line is that?! It's not as if he actually worked on The Chaser.
In my line of work, I find if I want something, I don't go out and buy it or pursue it. I have learned, just wait and it will fall right into your lap. This has happened with Movie tickets, massages, manicures, concert tickets, facials and various other products (eg iPod). I knew then it was only a matter of time before I met the guys from The Chaser.
So, when I finally did ask the question "Does one of you have a brother who works on an oil rig?", they were pretty shocked that I knew that, but WOW, that guy wasn't lying when he said he was their brother!

2. I got to be Wingman for a colleague. She had the hots for one of the Chaser guys. I creatively informed him and the rest is now up to them.
I'm always a wingman for my friends, so it was nice to move that into the work arena.

3. The token Jew, who should by default know all the Arab/Israeli questions got some wrong. Even though I wrote the answers in Hebrew. Bloody anti-semites.

4. Jacqui and I somehow wore matching striped up uniforms and we both carried our Yellow Balenciaga inspired bags. Thank you Nicolas Ghesquière. At least I learned that from Time.
5. I had the vigilance debate with Chris. I explained to him the concept of being vigilant with his humour. Ensuring he doesn't go for the low hanging fruit, continually striving for the good jokes. I managed to make them laugh all night (not sure if it was at me or with me), so I knew what I was talking about. Plus, I had that 2 month period where I was just making shit jokes left, right and centre and it was so hard for me to get out of it, but I managed to. Eb was relieved when that was over. I managed to come back to being vigilant.
Chris and Craig were making some pretty low grade attempts at humour for a big part of the evening. They were still funny, but only ha ha funny, not creative/witty/intelligent funny which is where the good jokes lie.

6. I heckled the Chaser boys about being Andrew G wannabes with their suit jackets, jeans, t-shirts and sneaker combinations. Bad form fellas. Bad, bad form.

All in all, it was a top night. We were definitely the most entertaining team and we bonded with the Chaser boys which is a big score. I like how they aren't pretentious in that D Grade celebrity kind of way. They know they aren't really celebrities anyway, so they just focus on plugging away at their craft.

Thanks Time, thanks Chaser, I'll remember this one for a while yet.

You should also know, the next post is going to be number 100. All of you should be acting up to try and get in this most auspicious occasion of blog entry.

I am inspired

2006-07-11T18:26:00.001-04:00

On July 1st, the community of Beloit, Wisconsin came together on the banks of the Rock River to recreate George Seurat's 'Sunday Afternoon on the Island of LaGrande Jatte' -- 'Saturday in the Park with Friends'.

Two words.
Fucking Awesome!
Perfect composition. You know how hard it would have been to place every body and then every object on top of that?? Even the goddam dog!

I love this Seurat.

I reckon Ferris Bueller gave me my love of this painting plus my love for pointillism. I've got postcards of it, I've even recreated portions of it on Canvas.

That movie never ceases to amaze me. Danke Schoen.

It's all about that girl in the middle in the white dress. She is the centre of it all, but lost. You know that scene when Cameron looks into her eyes and she looks into his? Very deep. Very moving.

It's a shame in the recreation, they fucked it up by putting in a kid wearing shorts and a tshirt. Nevertheless, I am still inspired.